'Tween You And Me

CATCHING UP ON FRIENDSHIP FLUBS

Helloo, Mini-Women! It is SOOOOO good to be back -- again. Man, I've been traveling a lot this spring, haven't I? My trip to California was WONDERFUL. Got tons of pictures and ideas for the new three-book series I'm doing for YOU!!! Research is one of my favorite parts of being a writer, especially when the characters start telling me where they want to live and what they like to do. That's when it REALLY gets interesting.

You're part of that too, you know. Your comments on the posts and on the advice from your Big Sisters is helping me shape the stories so they'll really benefit you and what you're dealing with. Thanks, ladies. After going through a week's worth of comments -- I'm filled all the way UP!

I also hope the posts are helpful to you right NOW, which is why I'm going to use the questions you asked in your comments in my next few posts for you. For example:

    AMELIA wants to know how to talk less and listen more to her friends.

    CHANTEY wants to know how to let go of a friendship that's hurting her when they've been friends for a really long time.

    ANNARACHEL wants to know what to do about the on-again, off-again friend.

    KATIE wants to know how to make the transition to new friends when an old friendship ends.

    CHANTEY wants to know how to talk to a friend who's drifting away when they're never one-on-one.

    BRITTANY wants to know how to get a BOY to stop bullying her.

    I'm going to take those friendship issues one at a time and offer some help. If you have any other friendship problems you'd like help with here on the blog -- the kind that make you want to hide like little Maeryn under her "cave blanket" --  please post a comment about that in the next few days. This is YOUR blog and I want it to speak to YOU and where you're struggling.

Before we go on, I need to welcome some newcomers to Tween You and Me (something you have all done a great job of, mini-women). Welcome EMMA ADELINE, JIAVANNA and SIERRA.  Jiavanna has already done this but Emma Adeline and Sierra, you'll need to click on the blog rules on the top right and comment from there that you've read them and get where we're coming from. If you have any questions you can email me. We're so glad you're here.

Okay, on to Friendship Issue #1: How to be a better listener with your friends

    WHAT THE PROBLEM LOOKS LIKE: You have so much to share with your friends (because you save up everything to tell them) that when you're with them you're like a movie on fast forward trying to get it all out. Soon your friends' eyes start to glaze over and you can tell they're getting antsy so you ask THEM a question, but while they're talking, you can't help thinking of the next thing you want to say. Which means you don't actually hear a word they say . . .   

    WHAT HAPPENS AS A RESULT: Your friends interrupt you so they can get a syllable in now and then. One of them might even tell you to for Pete's sake take a BREATH. You realize you don't know anything about what's going on with them because, um, you aren't listening. Even your BFF will tell things to her other friends that she used to share with you. Why would she tell you, when she knows you're not really hearing her?

    HOW TO GO TO GOD WITH IT: Obviously you'll want to ask for forgiveness and obviously that means repenting: changing direction. As AMELIA pointed out, you can't just tell yourself to shut up because it just doesn't work. You need God's help big time. So to change direction, tell God how much you care about your friends. Ask God to help you remember those things when you're with them, so that listening to them will be what you WANT to do. Also ask God to show you other ways to express all those things you gotta get out. That could be journaling (that's what I do, since I have that can't-stop-talking issue myself!) or drawing or going to your fave outside alone place and talking out loud.

        YOUR NEXT MOVE: Apologize to your friends for jacking your jaws so much you haven't listened to them the way you want to. Tell them you're trying to be a better listener because you really do care about what they have to say. Ask them to give you a signal when you've gone on too long, like tugging their earlobe or twirling their hair. Ask them what they'd like to tell you; then have one friend hold an  object (a pen, a hair clip, whatever) and as long as she's holding it, you know it's not your turn to talk; when she puts it down, someone else can pick it up and have her say. Your turn will come around, but just make sure it isn't longer than anybody else's turn!

    WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT: Your friends will know you're sincere and they'll help you change. You'll find out all kinds of cool stuff about them. They might even help you with your problems the way you want to help them. After a while you won't need that object any more to remind you not to talk, because you'll be too busy listening.

Thanks for listening to ME on this! If you want to post a comment today, tell us (a) whether you tend to be a talker or a listener and why you think that is and (b) whether this post is helpful in your friendship situation. And don't forget to post any other friendship problems you're having.

Until Thursday!

 

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

ADVICE FROM YOUR BIG SISTER MELODY

Good morning, Mini-Women! Today is your last day for advice from one of your In Real Life teen Big Sisters -- at least until I go traveling again! I hope you've learned tons from these girls, because I always do. Our final post is written by MELODY. Don't forget to comment at the end!

"I've always wanted everyone to like each other and be happy, but when I was younger my pursuit of making sure everyone was okay actually caused more drama. Whenever a friend would come to me with a problem or complaint about another friend, I would listen and help if I could, but then I would go tell the friend that they were complaining about. I wasn't doing it to gossip or be mean, I thought that if I told the other friend about the problem she could just fix it and everyone could be happy again. I was trying to fix everyone else's problems, but that just led to more problems because I ended up with people mad and losing trust in me and even bigger arguments between the two people who already had a problem. If a friend comes to you because she has a problem with someone else, listen to her in confidence and give advice if you can, but then keep it to yourself (unless you need to tell an adult) and don't tell the other person. You may think you're helping, but you can't fix someone else's problem for them."

Um, does this sound familiar? Like maybe you've done it yourself? If you want to share, please do -- and tell us  how hard it is NOT to do this. 

ADVICE FROM YOUR BIG SISTER SASHA

Good morning, Mini-Women! Okay, can I just say that your Big Sisters over on In Real Life have come up with situations (for real ones) that I never thought of? I'm thinking getting advice from them is just what we need. So -- today's advice comes from your big sister, SASHA:

    "When I was a tween I was SUPER self-conscious. I would compare myself to all my friends and see how much "prettier" or "smarter" or just "better" they were. Instead of figuring out who God made me to be and enjoying being myself, I started to become jealous of my friends and all the talents and resources they had that I didn't. There was one girl in particular who I was constantly comparing myself to and, in my mind, I kept "competing" with her, trying to one-up her. She was dealing with her own set of insecurities, and in response to my "one-upping" would insult me and put me down. We had been good friends for a long time, but slowly, jealousy and anger began to poison our friendship. Instead of forgiving each other and praying together and encouraging each other to be our authentic selves, we continued to compete against each other and give into jealousy. After nearly 2 years of this, the friendship totally ended. Years later, we've both grown a lot in our relationships with the Lord and we've apologized and forgiven each other for all the hurtful things we said/did-- but our friendship has never been the same. Now days, I still deal with comparing myself to friends-- but instead of focusing on what they have that I don't, I choose to take it all to Jesus and ask Him to help me see myself through His eyes. Knowing who I am in Christ and choosing not to give into jealousy/the comparing game, even though it can be really hard at times, has saved many of my friendships and helped make them stronger."

Do you have a friend or friends you compare yourself to? is that hurting your friendship? What would you say to CHrist if you went to him with this problem? What great qualities of your own do you think he would point out to you?

ADVICE FROM YOUR BIG SISTER GRACE ANNE

Good morning, Mini-Women! Is it not the best, having great advice from your big sisters over on In Real Life four days in a row? Today you're hearing from GRACE ANNE. As always, you'll have a topic to comment on at the end.

"This happened fairly recently. I had a neighbor (I'll call her Rose) who was my age and was also homeschooled. We went to the same co-op and the same church and played together almost everyday, at least five times per week. People would think that "Rose" and I were sisters because we were together so often. We met in third grade and were best friends. But everything began to change. In sixth grade, we both stopped homeschooling. I switched to a small private school and she began to attend a large public school. My family moved churches. She started acting differently. I would get excited over something, such as a new book coming out, and she would laugh at me and tell me it was stupid. She had a phone and I didn't and she would text other people when we were together. Being around her was no longer fun. She was no longer my best friend. I still miss her. But that's okay. It taught me that losing a best friend isn't the end of the world, even though it feels like it."

Have you ever had a friendship that you just outgrew? Or are you in one now that isn't fun any more? What do you think you'll do about that? (I suggest praying first!)

ADVICE FROM YOUR BIG SISTER BETH

Good morning, Mini-Women! You've had two days of godo advice from your big sisters over on the In Real Life blog, and today you get a third! This post was written by BETH (known on the blog as BULLETSOUL)

"This happened just recently. My best friend was always asking if I would go to youth with her and I would always be busy. One day she asked me and I'd already made plans to go with another friend that I hadn't hung out with in years and I really wanted to reestablish my friendship with this girl since we had been such good friends in 4th grade. My parents told me not to tell my best friend that I was going and just say I was busy, but I knew if I did that I would be lying to her. But yet if I told her, I would be disobeying what my parents clearly commanded me to do. So I chose to obey them. My mistake was when I totally forgot to tell my best friend that I was busy and couldn't come to church, so she called me while I was at the other event to see if I was coming. I had to run so she wouldn't hear the commotion in the background, but it was still obvious I was somewhere else and she knew I was lying to her. I really hurt her feelings. What I should have done was obey my parents immediately. Even though what they told me wasn't the best thing to do, I still could have avoided lots of trouble by either: 1) Telling my parents that would be rude to my best friend and hopefully they would change their point of view. 2) I could have done what they said before I forgot and avoided the whole ordeal completely.

I told my friend the truth and she forgave me, but it really hurt her. Parents usually give you good advice, but at times they don't know the whole situation. When that happens, don't just go along with it even if they seem to have given a final answer. Try your best to respectfully explain the consequences that may come from the action they want you to take. In the end, always obey them, and don't lie to your friends! I got BUSTED. Love ya chicks :)"

Has one of your parents ever given you what turned out to be the wrong advice about a friendship? If it were to happen again, how would you handle it?

ADVICE FROM YOUR BIG SISTER RACHEL

 

    Good morning, MIni-Women! Are your big sisters from the teen blog cool or what? Today RACHEL shares her Friendship FLub story with you. You'll have a chance to comment at the end. Here's RACHEL:

"In middle school, I didn't really have a BEST friend. Sure, I had a bunch of girls I liked to hang out with and plenty of friends, but I didn't have that one girl or couple girls you can turn to for anything, and I didn't feel like any of my friends really supported me in my faith. So I started praying, hard, because I knew how important that was. Of course, one way I found that was through Mrs. Rue's blog, the one you're on right now :). But once I got to high school, friend groups really did start changing a lot. Freshman year I started to branch out a little bit, but it wasn't until this year that something really big happened. About six other girls and I were in a certain math class at school that put us in a different lunch period than pretty much all of the rest of our grade. We didn't know each other well at all, and you wouldn't expect us to be friends - we all had way different interests and personalities. But we sat together in the cafeteria as a survival technique in the scary upperclassmen cafeteria, ;) and those girls are all my BEST friends. We joke that all we ever talk about is math and Jesus, and they're amazing. I can go to them about anything, and they support me through whatever I'm going through. So if you're feeling a little lost in the crowd of cliques and friend groups right now, pray! Things really do change in high school, and you might end up finding your niche with people you never would've expected. I'll be praying for you girlies :) Love and Blessings, *Rachel*"

Do you have a friendship situation that you need to pray about? How come we forget to do that?!

ADVICE FROM YOUR BIG SISTER IRELAND

Good morning, Mini-Women! I'm off traveling again this week, goign to California to do research for YOUR next three books. While I'm gone your big sisters over on the IN Real Life (teen) blog will give you some awesome advice about those Friendship FLubs (mistakes) we talked about in our last post. At the end of each, you'll have a suggestion to comment on (in red), and I KNOW you'll stay on the subject, right? Of COURSE! Here we go -- with Ireland's story (cool name, huh?)

"The first few weeks of school this year were so tough. I cried, cried, and cried, feeling so alone, so desperate... But I wasn't willing to be involved in the same kind of draining relationships I was before. My friendships all fell apart last year, and that pain was not something I ever wanted to feel again. In middle school I was involved in some very negative friendships. I knew even then I was holding onto relationships that were hurting me, but I was afraid of letting go. I held on so long that at the end of the school year, all my friendships came crashing down. Like dominoes. The heartbreak I felt then is probably the worst pain I have ever felt. This year, my first year of high school, I waited, and God eventually led me to true friends. There is a saying, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." I let the same friends hurt me again and again in middle school, and I shouldn't have. It was so unbelievably hard to keep trusting God this year, but I promise you girls that His timing is perfect. That does not mean it won't feel unbearably hard at times, because it will. But God will not let you break. Don't take it upon yourself to fix up perfect relationships. You cannot do it by yourself, and you can't force a relationship to work. Trust Him, and He will provide for all your needs."

Do you have a friendship that might not be fixable? Or have any not-wonderful relatonships in the past made it hard for you to trust friends again? Ya wanna share that with us? 

 

Hello-o-o-o Mini-Women! It is great to be back -- and to see how well you responded to advice from your big sisters over on In Real Life. It looks like they really helped you in ways I can't always do. If you want to post a comment about how much you appreciated their advice, I'll make sure they see them. 

I've posted a picture of me with Miss Crystal for two reasons. (1) She always does a super job of watching over the blogs while I'm away to make sure everything is safe for you. She loves all of you, just like I do. And (2) because she is a model for a very, very good friend. She's all the things Mean Girls aren't:

    * If she needs to call you on something, she's honest but she does it in a kind way.

    * If you do or say something she likes, she'll tell you that too.

    * She shares what's important to her.

    * She listens when I share what's important to me.

    * She cries with me.

    * She laughs with me.

    *We have a BLAST together.

    * We're totally there for each other when things get tough

    * We both respect that we have other friends besides each other

    * We never talk about each other behind backs (unless it's to say "She's a great friend," or "You should taste her cooking! Amazing!")

    When you know a friendship like that is possible, it makes it so much more frustrating when you see people NOT behaving that way. When they:

    *  Criticize you to your face in a way that is so mean you have to run to the bathroom crying.

    *  Make fun of even your good qualities. Like laughing at you when you get excited about a poem you wrote or a solo you got to sing at church or the goals you scored in soccer.

    *  Leave you out of conversations -- tell you their business is not your business (while they whisper it to other people)

    *  Act like you're invisible. Cut you off when you're talking.

    *  Don't care about your feelings.

    * Have fun at your expense, teasing and taunting you

    * Make things worse for you when something hard happens to you

    * Can only have one friend and it isn't you

    * Spread rumors about you or tell your secrets to everybody.

As we're discussing bullying, we're not just talking about hitting, punching, biting, scratching -- or even name-calling and in-your-face insults. We're also talking about the stuff on that second list that can even happen among "friends" (if you can call them that). That's the kind of bullying that we experience, and then wonder, "Was that really bullying? Am I just being a wimp?"

    It is. And you're not.

    So let's take a closer look at that.

    If you can, print out this post.

    Put a smiley face :) next to each thing on the first list that applies to your friend or group of friends.

     Put a frowny face  :-(   next to each thing on the second list that applies to them.

    If you want to post a comment, tell us what you discovered. Are your friends even better than you thought? Or are they bullying you or each other and you didn't realize it?

    In our next few posts, we'll talk about what to do about that second one -- and it isn't always dumping your almost-bullying friends. As Paul tells us, "We all fall short of the glory of God." And by the way, "glory" means "essence" -- the truest thing about a person. We all mess up and don't look like God's essence (even though we're made in God's image). So some good tools and  a lot of forgiveness can help us both keep our friends and keep our power to be ourselves (the opposite of being bullied). YOu can look forward to that.

For now, let's hear those comments, my precious Mini-Women!

 

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

    

BYSTANDER ADVICE FROM YOOMIN

Good morning, Mini-Women! I hope you're liking and learning from the posts by your Big Sisters on In Real Life. Our final one for this time around is from YOOMIN, who lives overseas.

"Several years ago there were three girls who were one year younger than me. Two of those girls were best friends. The third girl wanted to be best friends with them but the two girls refused and started bullying her. This went on for some time. I wasn't friends with them and I wasn't really sure of what was going on. But I remember being really angry at the two best friends. From the two best friends, one of the girls was kind of like the boss/leader. Then what happened was the second girl decided that she wanted to be friends with the third girl. So then, what happened was that the second and third girl started bullying the first girl who was kind of like the boss. I remember her crying during recess and my friend and I comforting her. It was kind of like a bullying cycle. I'm not sure how long this went on but later on all three of them became best friends. But whenever I see them in school I still remember the bullying incident. I didn't take any action about that because I felt that it wasn't any of my business. It wasn't like they had asked me to help them or anything. I also knew that telling the teacher about it wasn't really going to help them. My parents knew about it and so did the other parents in the class. From what I understood, none of them had spoken to the teacher about it.When I think about it now, I'm still not sure what I should have done. I think that what I did and what I am glad I did was I was there for the 1st girl when she needed to be comforted. She might have been the person who started it but she was also the victim."

If you want to post today, tell us what you would do if you were in Yoomin's place. Be as honest as you can.

I'll see you here Thursday!

Blessings,

 

Nancy Rue

BYSTANDER ADVICE FROM MELODY

Good morning, Mini-Women! Your big sister Melody (shown in picture) is posting today with more good advice about being (and not being) a bystander. She has some great things to say; Again, your chance to comment is at the bottom.

 

MELODY: I never saw any outright fighting kind of bullying, but I was a witness to a lot of cruel gossip, some backstabbing, and "joking" and "sarcasm" that wasn't funny, it was just mean. Unfortunately I never did anything about it. I didn't usually participate, but was more than willing to watch. I thought if it wasn't hurting me, then who was I to stop it? I figured they'd just turn on me and I wasn't interested in being hurt. Sometimes if I felt really bad I'd go to the person being bullied and see how they were doing, but I never stood up for them in front of anyone. I feel bad about that now, and for awhile I had an overwhelming sense of guilt for all the things I could've done but didn't. I've learned how to forgive myself now and have vowed never to allow myself to merely witness bullying again. I would encourage all of you to stick to your beliefs and stick up for others. You don't want to look back and regret what you could have done. Stay close to God and do what you know is right, because it's what God wants you to do.

 

If you want to comment on this post you can do one of both of these:

    * Tell us if Melody's post nudged you to do anything differently when it comes to the trash talk kind of bullying you see.

    * Tell us who were the bystanders in the Gospels. You know, the ones who let people be bullied, including Jesus, the most bullied of all!

Blessings,

Nancy Rue