IN REAL LIFE

Hello, Ladies! I can't tell you how happy I am to be back with you - even though my vacation was amazing. It was kind of cool that while you were posting comments about your parents, my husband and I were with OUR daughter, who was busy mothering HER daughter (who by the way is absolutely the cutest baby ever in the world -- look at her!). So there was parenting going on all over the place. I put together several thoughts over the week that kind of lead into our discussion of working with the 'rents during these changing and sometimes confusing times.

THOUGHT #1: Parenting is the hardest job there is.

THOUGHT #2:  Parenting is the most wonderful job there is.

THOUGHT #3: You never stop being a parent no matter how old your kid is.

 THOUGHT #4:  No matter how hold you are or how independent you become, deep down inside you still want your parents' approval, even when you say they are the last people you want to impress!

It all comes down to the fact that the kid-parent relationship is one of the most complex you'll ever experience. When you're very young, like Baby Maeryn, it seems relatively easy. They take care of your needs, so you're happy, and you smile at them, so they're happy (my face was actually tired from smiling at her so much last week!) and that's about it. The more independent you become -- because you're SUPPOSED to become independent; that's the whole point of growing up -- the more complicated  the whole thing gets. You want to be an adult, but you aren't totally ready. They want you to grow up, but THEY'RE not totally ready. And since neither of you has ever done this thing before, both sides are bound to make mistakes.

I think that's where the "attitude" so many of you talked about comes in.  As SYLVI and INLOVEWITHJESUS and so many others said, sometimes the eye rolling and the not-so-appropriate tone of voice just comes out and before you know it your father is telling your mother to banish you to your room for the rest of your life.  You're just realizing that you really do have a mind of your own and hence opinions of your own. At this stage of your development, you understand sarcasm and find it almost irresistible to practice (we hear you, KAT and JESUS FREAK). You, like SARAH, may have mastered every use of the word "Whatever," which seldom goes over well with parents.   As RACHEL points out, "As 13-17 yar old girls, we get a pretty bad rap just for being part of our demographic. It seems like adults seem to expect us to be rude, irresponsible, and rebellious so they jump on us at the slightest whiff of an attitude. And most of the time, we aren't even trying to go there, but we get a little prickly because of the assumption that we were.  And so the cycle continues." (I could NOT have said that better myself, Rachel.)

Interestingly, many of you feel that you can talk to your folks about just about any SUBJECT, and yet the MEANS of communicating is where it seems to go south for a lot of you. Friday we'll talk about some of the topics that you do struggle with -- spiritual isues, personal matters, self-motivation. Today, let's focus on 'tude. There are two things to consider, I think.

(1) The "tone" you take doesn't come out of nowhere, and it doesn't come from you being a bad daughter. Where it DOES come from only you can know. Pay attention the next time you find yourself ready to roll your eyes or you can tell a "whatever" is about to cross your lips -- or your mother is warning you to watch your tone and you aren't even sure what she's talking about. What are you thinking? What has set you off? What is it exactly that's making you want to pick up the nearest pillow and chew it into small pieces? See if you can discover a pattern. Some of you already have, for example, when you speak of being self-motivated but not being taken seriously. I can distinctly remember (stand by for a "When I was a kid" reference here) being sixteen and practically biting my tongue off when my mother asked me, every single night, whether I had homework. Of course I had homework -- I was in all honors classes -- I was obsessive about my grades -- why did she feel like she had to ask me? It drove me nuts. What was that about? It was about feeling like she was trying to control me in something I already had control over.

If you want to post, share an insight you come to when you stop to examine your 'Tude Times.

 I think we'll see several patterns emerging. Then we can talk about what to do about them.

(2)  In the meantime, you're still going to run into trouble if you curl your lip at your father or let your eyes glaze over when your mother is giving you a lecture. Just because your feelings are at least somewhat valid, that doesn't mean it's okay (or wise!) to express them in ways that are essentially disrespectful. In the working world, you may disagree with your boss and even be right but if you roll your eyes up into your head and slam out of his office, you might find yourself out of a job. If a police officer pulls you over for going two miles over the speed limit, back talking him (or her!) may land you in handcuffs. Learning to honor your parents by curbing the urge to indicate, however subtly, that they are morons in your eyes is not only biblical for now, it's smart for your future.

So while you're figuring out exactly why your buttons get pushed sometimes, you'll also need to find a way to keep those dissin' behaviors in check. I suggest having a plan that you follow whenever possible. Decide on it beforehand. Practice it in front of the mirror. What that plan is depends on you, but it can be anything from closing your eyes before you roll them to putting both hands in front of your mouth before your lip has a chance to curl. One girl told me that whenever her parents started to get on her last nerve, she would say, "I LOVE you guys, but sometimes you make me a little crazy, okay?" That wouldn't work with every set of parents -- but hauling in a breath and counting to ten while you let it out might. Or saying, "I just need to go think." Or simply confessing that you feel some attitude coming on and you just need a minute. I don't think any parent expects her kid NOT to ever feel frustrated with a mom or dad during the teen years. Knowing that you're trying to fix it will probably impress them to no end. You are the only one who really knows that about your parents.

If you want to post, share what you do to reign in expressions of attitude -- or what absolutely doesn't work!

Almost every one of you has said how much you love your parents, and that's why I know you're going to get through this with dignity and class and have a pretty decent relationship with your folks if you don't already. I'm looking forward to walking with you on this part of your journey. Thanks for letting me.

 

Blessings,

Nancy Rue       

I've Touched a Nerve and You've Touched My Heart

Good morning, Ladies. Wow -- I guess we struck a nerve with this parent thing, huh? Your heartfelt posts over the last week or so have made me wonder why we haven't talked before about the Gumby-like feelings of the teen years when it comes to moms and dads.  Especially since the first book I ever wrote was a non-fiction title for the teenagers of your parents' generation called Home: Love it and Leave It. Don't bother looking it up on Amazon. It only sold about 60 copies, and most of those I think my mother bought to give to her friends. It's so far out of print I don't think even Google knows about it! But what my co-author (a counselor for adolescents) and I said about the struggle between wanting to be independent and being scared to death at the thought of it is still so true. And where does that struggle become more apparent than with the people who are at the same time raising you to be independent and, in your mind, doing everything they can to make sure you aren't!

Based on your comments -- which I'll be referring to in the weeks to come -- you're experiencing what teenagers have gone through probably since Noah's kids were kids. (I would say Cain and Abel, but that's a whole other gig . . ) I wish I could say everybody gets through it just fine eventually, but that isn't actually true. This inner and outer conflict can really cause you some issues, and without thought and prayer and intentionality, it can drag on far longer than it needs to.

So I'm excited about doing a series of posts on The Whole Parents Thing. This is a funky time to start it since I just got back from my week at the Academy for Spiritual Formation and am headed out this afternoon on an actual vacation until August 28. Posts have been and will be few and far between until then, so I'm going to try to give you something meaty to chew on and discuss and help each other with while I'm gone. Fair enough?

Let's go here first:  

However you may feel about the control your parents or guardians have in your life, the first thing to do is accept that they have it. It’s a God-thing. Commandment Number Five makes it abundantly clear: “Honor your father and your mother.” And then it goes on to say, “so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12) What mother hasn’t said to her kid in those moments when Kid is going defiant on her: “I brought you into this world, and so help me I can take you out of it!”? Even God says, if you want to survive, you’d best be respecting your parents.

            Having said that, let me say this: “Honor” doesn’t mean unquestioning obedience, not at this stage of your life. Eventual obedience, yes. Mom and Dad get the last word, and well they should because when it comes to the big picture they know more than you. But it is perfectly appropriate, and definitely good for your growth as a person, for you to discuss issues with your folks and at least understand their decision-making process. The decisions you ultimately make are your own; you’re going to choose whether to go with their advice or do your own thing and deal with the consequences (which will inevitably include a breach in trust). But their rules and their wisdom need to be a part of your choices or, metaphorically speaking, your days aren’t going to be long in the land of milk and honey.

Let’s also make a clear distinction between your actions and your feelings. Take the issue of guys, for example. If your dad says you can’t date until you’re 18, you need to let the guys in your life know that and not sneak around that rule. But even if you’re not allowed to date and yet you really, really like a guy, that attraction doesn’t make you a disobedient daughter. What you are is a young woman who has to make an adult decision about what she’s going to do with those feelings without going against her parents’ wishes. Will you decide to avoid that boy you like as if he were the H1N1 virus so you won’t be tempted? Be his friend and keep your feelings to yourself? Get focused on other things so you won’t spend all your time daydreaming about things that can’t happen right now? Those are all legit ways to honor the rules without denying that you have feelings.       

            What all this tells you is that you need to find a way to talk to your parents about the issues that make you want to spit.

Talk.

 Not argue. Not get all defensive and wind up storming off to your room and slamming the door and thus ending all chance of conversation. Not this-is-what-I’m-going-to-do-and-you-can’t-stop-me.

            Talk. As in:

 Ask your parents to be clear about their rules and why they’ve made them.   And yes, you do have the right to ask for clarification and explanation, as long as you do it respectfully. Make sure they get that you’re going to do what they ask you to do, but that it’ll go down easier if you know why. “Because I said so” isn’t really a fair response to a 13 to 17 year old girl on this issue, so explain to your parents that you’ll be able to make better decisions yourself if you know how they make theirs. An approach like this will take you nowhere:

“I don’t get why you won’t let me stay out past ten o’clock. It’s stupid.”

This one, on the other hand, has a better chance of bringing you the clarity you need:

“Okay, so can we talk about the reasoning behind my curfew? I’m not challenging it. I’d just really like to know.”

Ask them to give you a chance to state your case. If they say, “No, we don’t see the point in that,” the conversation is over. But if approached in a mature, non-hysterical way (you aren’t pitching a fit or brandishing a weapon, for instance), most parents will hear you out.

This probably won’t do it:

  “Let me just tell you why that doesn’t work for me (or “is the lamest rule in this hemisphere” or “isn’t what everybody else’s parent are letting them do.”)

This, however, might:

“I’m going to follow the rules, no doubt, but I’d just like a chance to tell you how I feel about them.”

Just keep in mind: tone of voice and body language speak just as clearly as your words, sometimes even more so. Folding your arms, rolling your eyes, curling your lip – not so much with those.

Ask them pray for you. This isn’t a trick to get them to think you’re Angel Child. In fact, if your request isn’t genuine don’t ask. Truly, though, you need all the prayer you can get, and who better to go to God for you than the people who love you the most? And . . .

Ask how you can pray for them. Your parents are at the most challenging point in child-raising since potty training and tantrums (which hopefully you’re no longer throwing) Trust me, they need prayer as much as you do.

Now, this is guaranteed to make them suspect your sincerity:

“I need to pray for you guys because you just don’t get it.”

But if this comes from your heart, your folks will appreciate:

“I know you guys worry about me, so, is there some way I can pray for you?” 

We’ll talk more about discussing issues with your parents as we get into each specific area. This much is a good start for your whole relationship with your folks.

If you want to post while I'm gone, consider commenting on one of these:

    * What area or issue do you have the most trouble communicating with your parents about?

    *  What seems to be the biggest conversation stopper between you and your folks? (anything from you rolling your eyes to your dad going back to his iPhone) 

    *  What about my explanation above makes you go, "That is NEVER going to work with my parents!"

I'm not encouraging you to bash your parents here! This is about you and what you're struggling with. Just keep that fifth commandment in mind and we'll be fine. You are such young women of integrity, I'm not concerned about this turning into a mutiny on moms and dads.

You are, in fact, such amazing women that Crystal (remember our friend who has cancer?) sent me this note:

  "When you write the the girls next...please let them know that I've read all of their comments probably 30 times.  Nicole's 'walking through the valley' one has really stuck with me, and it was a big encouragement. It helped me not to give up. I appreciated all of their kindnesses, so much.   And I'm doing better. "

You are the best and I am continually blessed by you. I'll miss you while I'm gone, but I'll also be with my husband and my daughter and baby Maeryn, who at this point in her life thinks her mother is the most amazing person on the planet. That's who she's grinning at in the above picture. Caption: "Thanks for the blueberries, Mom. You rock."

You rock, too, my friends!

 

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

 

 

The Beauty of . . . Parents? Really?

Evenin', Ladies. It's kind of nice, closing the day by talking to all of you. My bags are packed and I'm winding down from preparing to be gone for a week. Yeah, it's good to settle in with you for a few minutes.

Your responses to the question,   who do you take for granted, have been pretty much unanimous. "My mom."  "Sometimes I smart off without thinking." "My dad."  "I really need to tell them more how much I appreciate them." 

"Brothers" ran a close second, and grandparents were mentioned a couple of times, but for the most part, it's the moms and dads who seem to be getting the short end of the appreciation stick.

It hasn't always been that way. Back when you were Maeryn's age, your mom was the most important person on the planet and if she left the room, your world basically ended. In this pic, I was taking care of her while her mom was downstairs handling some business, and you will notice that in spite of my efforts to entertain her (as in, I was turning myself inside out) she kept those big brown eyes firmly on the doorway. There is no taking Mom for granted in her world.

That is NOT to say that you should all return to feeling like your mom is the center of the universe. (not that you would -- or could!) It's totally natural for you to be more independent and secure without her constant presence. As a matter of fact, having to depend on your parents for every little thing now would be downright annoying, no matter how wonderful they are.

The point is that even as you separate more from your folks in order to become an adult woman yourself, it really is easy to just assume they they're going to be there when you need them. Just when you feel like you could probably get along pretty well on your own, you hear yourself saying, "Mom, did you wash underwear today?" or "Dad, I really need you to drive me to the mall -- the drug store -- to school because I missd the bus for the fifteenth time this month." You get to thinking hey, I can cook a meal, operate a Blue Ray, make straight A's with my eyes closed -- I think I'm an adult -- until you realize that without your parents you would be minus a chauffeur service, a live-in therapist, and a body guard.

Trust me -- you will never have this kind of full service staff again.

It's pretty much symbolic of the inner struggle that starts in your teens. The tug-of-war between wanting to make all your own decisions and being convinced that you don't know how. Between wishing everybody would just leave you alone and being terrified that they will. Between wanting to be treated like an adult and having a hard time acting like one. That kind of seesawing is one of the biggest reasons for losing your sense of inner beauty, right? Who shines with spiritual light when she's rolling her eyes at her dad for wanting to know every single thing she's going to do when she's out -- while she's secretly hoping he'll set some boundaries because it's a freaky world out there. Other equally attractive facial expressions incited by this conflict include lip-curling, hair-tossing, and forming those ditto marks between your eyebrows.

As we enter August and continue our journey toward inner beauty, let's take this week to talk about the beauty-robbing quandary of I-want-to-grow up-I-don't-want-to-grow up. While I'm away (though I'll still be reading your comments) feel free to vent about when and how and where and why this comes up for you. What you go through. How it affects your feelings about yourself. 

I'll be back with you next Sunday, a week from today, with some more thoughts on this. Fill up those journals, share what you want to -- and let's see if we can find some beauty in that Gumby-like thing! 

Blessings,

Nancy Rue   

A Few Things

Good morning, Ladies. Later today I'm going to do your regular post before I take off for my week at the Academy for Spiritual Formation. But I wanted to get a few pieces of information to you right away, things I'm sure know you'll want to know.

One -- those of you who participated in the weekend beauty retreat will remember Crystal, who judged all the contests. She is suffering from cancer, yet she is always so supportive of our blog and of me as I minister to you. She's having a really rough time right now, and I know she would appreciate your prayers. You can pray however you are moved to. What keeps coming out of my mouth is, "God, please show Crystal that you're there." You are such precious pray-ers, and I knew you'd want to help.

Secondly, in the midst of her pain, Crystal made a slide show of our weekend beauty retreat. If you would liek to see it, please email me at my NEW EMAIL ADDRESS FOR YOU -- nancy@nancyrue.com -- . I was really touched, and I know you will be, too.

Thirdly, some of you have been asking about The Whole Guy Thing, my non-fction book for teen girls on, well, guys. It's written and is currently being edited. As soon as I know when it's going to be released, I'll let you know.

And finally, the teen page on the nancyrue.com website. my web designer ran into some issues, but he has promised me that it will be ready in a few weeks. When it's up, we'll do a major celebration here on the blog. I'll also send out an email blast to anyone who has ever BEEN on the blog, so nobody'll miss it. Thanks for being so patient.

I'll post probably tonight with a send-off "assignment " for you before I leave for San Antonion. Thank you so much for praying for Crystal. You are angels, all of you.

 

Blessings,

Nancy Rue