I'm having lunch with you today. Ladies. Spinach salad with strawberries and almonds, to be exact. To be followed by a latte. Who better to share it with?
Before we start, today is Miss CRYSTAL's birthday. Most of you know that she's very much a part of this blog, though silently so most of the time, and that it would be hard for me to keep up with it without her. Several of you have one-on-one email relationships with her too. So let's wish her the happiest of days. Miss Crystal, we're so glad you were born.
Ladies, thank you again so much for your comments on the cover for The Merciful Scar . They were super helpful. And to respond to ALISHA and a few others -- there are scars on the girl's wrist, but you couldn't see them here because the resolution wasn't that wonderful. Your titling suggestions for the bullying book were also great. I'll let you know what the publisher decides on. I like that you're seeing some of what it takes to get a book to its final state. (And trust me, this isn't even the half of it!)
YOUR RESPONSES TO THE LAST POST: I want to take some space here to reflect on your experience of looking "straight on" at yourselves. ALISHA said, "Ouch!" though she was able to offer herself some compassion. She's right, none of the less than lovely things you discover in yourself make you a "horrible person." Not even --
ALISHA: I've become pretty good at making everything about me.
TORIA: I was surprised that I really unncessarily push myself down a lot.
ABBY: I was reminded of how hard I am on myself and how much I rely on make up and that I still need to lose weight. There was a time this year when I refused to even look at the mirror because I was so self-conscious about my weight. I hung a robe over it.
EA: I am often afraid to tell people what I really think about things when I disagree, even when I feel like I should say something. I don't know how they will react and I guess I'm afraid of not being accepted.
BULLETSOUL: When I looked at myself in the mirror I thought I was kind of a crazy mess. I had a hard time facing myself. I kept looking away and I'm not really sure why.
IRELAND: When I looked at myself honestly, there weren't really any surprises. I worry too much, I'm afraid of imperfection, and I have a hard time letting go. I put a lot of stock in my physical appearance which really comes around to bite me. I'm scared of how long it's going to take to get where I need to go.
RACHEL: When I took time to really look at myself, I was surprised to realize just how vulnerable I am. I've always learned to be a strong, independent young woman . . . but when I really thought about it, that' s not true. Sometimes it used to feel like I was compassionate to a fault. But as I've gotten older and become more skeptical of people and situations, I've started to numb myself to that sensitivity, as though it were a weakness or something. When I looked at myself in the mirror, it seemed like my body reflects the paradox inside me. I'm not all nails, and I'm not all flower petals either.
EMII: It's like my insufficiencies have become all of me.
SASHA: All I saw was a tired girl who was ready to go back to sleep! I've been working on not judging others but lately it seems to have gotten harder.
THERESE: When I look in the mirror all I see is my terrible secret in my eyes. The word "liar" comes to mnd. I look fine on the outside, normal . . . but only a select few people know what I deal with everyday. I feel like I'm lying to the world. I'm beginning to hate the mirror.
At this point, Ladies, I have pushed my salad aside. There's a lump in my throat because I hear cries for help in your thoughts --
* I pray that Jesus will do a miracle for me.
* Prayers, please?
* I hope that God will take care of me. I know he will, but I'm scared.
* I know something should change but I don't know how.
I'm thinking we can't move on to our next "thing" and leave you here like this.
Many of you did see and offer hope:
* This is showing me to know and BELIEVE that I am precious in God's sight. And for anybody who doesn't believe it, they need to get a life, in Christ.
* I noticed that my self image has gone up a little since the last time I really looked at myself a few months ago
* I've started to think of myself in a better way lately.
* Sunday during the sermon I felt the Holy Spirit, I really think I did, and I think I'm on the right path. I just have to pray, pray, pray.
* I'm just me, whoever that is
* A few years ago, the Lord helped me get through a super intense time of hating myself and now I actually think I'm pretty cool.
* I promise the feeling (of self hatred) passes. Keep praying.
* I'm still learning how to deal with it, but I'm trying to be gentle with myself. No lectures on how I should know better, or no time outs in the corner because I've been bad. It's more taking my inner little girl self by the hand and saying we're going to figure this out together.
What can I add to that? How can I swallow this lump in my throat and use words to help you make your way through the self-image labyrinth? I can offer you these things that I know to be true. I KNOW --
Truth #1. Some of this is normal. Painful, yes, but normal. Being critical of yourself, comparing yourself to other people and coming up short, not knowing if who you are is okay -- all of that is very much a part of figuring yourself out. Teen age girls have been doing this since Eve was sixteen (or was she ever?) Remember when you were twelve and one minute you were giggling hysterically and the next you were sobbing into your pillow for no apparent reason? That was normal then. This is normal now . . . to a certain extent. (Keep reading)
Truth #2: This is part of how you grow. If you never saw a single flaw in your false self, how would you ever transform into who you truly are? Jesus TELLS us to deal with the big ol' log in our own eye. Reflection and self-examination are vital to peeling away the layers and getting to our purest souls.
Truth #3: It is just as important to see what is amazing about yourself. Maybe even more important. To put it bluntly, God doesn't make a bunch of crap. Please forgive me if that's offensive, but sometimes it takes that to make us realize how true it is. We are not junk. Some of us have been taught so much about "original sin" (most of it a gross interpretation of the Bible) that we think we are basically "bad" and we can only be "good" by chiseling ourselves down to nothing so God can start all over with us. Or something. Who KNOWS where that kind of theology is supposed to lead! Who we are at the heart of ourselves is God-made and wonderful ("I am fearfully and wonderfully made" comes to mind). That gets covered up by a lot of garbage we pick up as we try to make it in this world (which we're going to talk about more). Our job as the people of God is to clean that all off and get down to who we really are. So what is WITH all this "I am basically a bad person" thing? Ladies, if we are going to say we're Christians, then let's treat ourselves that way.
Truth #4: The only way to see yourself as you truly are is through a deep relationshp with God. You figure out who God really is, on your own -- through just talking to him, talking to people who live as if they know God, reading the Bible in a seeking-God way, spending time with God Every. Single. Day. No matter what. Asking questions about every doubt you have. Every one. Searching until you find. Knocking until the door is opened. Asking until it's given -- that knowledge that you are an amazing you and God is an amazing God.
Truth #5. It's going to take your entire lifetime. I don't know one woman who doesn't deal with her self image on a regular basis, and I know a lot of deep, godly women I want to be like when I grow up. This is a process and it's only going to be finished when we're in God's arms. But it doesn't have to be a battle. It doesn't have to be pure anguish. It is an act of self-love and an act of God-love, and it will only enable you to love other people more and more sincerely. The process of getting your self image true and clear is much as Alisha says, taking your hurting, frightened inside self by the hand and saying, "We're going to figure this out together. You, me and God."
There's a bigger "we" here, too, ladies -- and that's this blog and the honesty and the compassion that I see here. Yikes, no wonder I had to stop eating. It's tough to eat when you're this emotional.
But I need to say one more important thing, and this is going to be hard so please stay with me and know that any rough edges you may feel are only coming from my almost-desperation to help you. Here it is --
If in examining yourself in that mirror, words like "hate" and "loathing" and "disgusting" and "worthless" entered your mind, that isn't real. It isn't you. And it isn't God. It. Is. Not. That has come from someplace outside of you that doesn't know what it's talking about and it needs to be tied up and gagged and dragged away. So if you're feeling any kind of hatred toward yourself, please promise me that you will do the following things:
1. Keep coming here to the blog. Keep using this as a place where you can express what you feel and not be told you're bad or wrong. Keep letting us pray for you.
AND
2. Email me personally. Even if you've done it in the past, do it again. I'm not going to lecture you or preach at you or try to insinuate myself into your life. I just want a chance to chat with you a little more. It may be a one-time thing or it may be on-going. I just have to do this. It's a God-thing.
AND
3. Find an adult you trust, preferably a woman, who will help you through this unnecessarily rocky time. You can't do this alone, nor should you have to. What is the body of Christ about if not this? Keep looking until you find her. The right woman will understand.
Now, the challenges we face in getting straight with our beautiful selves often come from outside of us. As MARLEE shared with us in her comment from two days ago, someone close to her expressed an opinion of her in a disparaging manner that set her self-esteem back weeks. SASHA said though she thinks she's pretty cool, it's when she's around other people that she really begins to feel her self-confidence falter. That's where we're going next, and you can begin to comment about that if you want to in preparation for Friday's post. But for now, please just sit with today's post, will you? Share your reactions. Let me know if this helps . . .
Doggone it, I just want to make lattes for all of us and sit together and talk and cry until we can just be. You are incredible young women. Perhaps my belief in that is the best help I can give you.
Blessings,
Nancy Rue
i really need to catch up on the last posts, but a quick note:
idea for that title... The Stand
:) xx
Posted by: Kate | 02/27/2013 at 03:45 PM
Ah, this post was so good for my heart today. I'm so sorry I haven't been around the last few posts (though I've absolutely been reading them) - it's been a busy busy week here.
(our task from the last post) When I looked at myself today, I saw that there was joy inside me, but it was being held back, protected, kept to myself. I've been selfish with my joy and my time. I thought I was helping other people but in reality I was helping them if it worked for ME. I'm selfish, tired, disorganized and messy. And I really want to change that, and I need to change that.
Coming back to the blog has brought me so much happiness and even rest. I'm praying for you all! <3
Posted by: Abbie | 02/27/2013 at 03:51 PM
Something to add to my last comment - Yesterday was my birthday and we celebrated it over the weekend. I felt SO blessed & SO full of joy on those days and I kept thinking, 'Is this the kind of joy that Jesus gives? Because I want this all the time!' See, there's joy in there, but it's being held back most of the time - by things like fear, guilt, doubt, and even myself.
Posted by: Abbie | 02/27/2013 at 03:55 PM
Girls....where do I start? Let me just say that God is amazing. He puts just the right people into our lives at the perfect time. He used a friend of mine, whom I've never met irl but am pretty close to to speak to me. She's been through similar things as me. I had a meeting this morning with a woman from our church who's ministry who is in spiritual warfare...I left feeling okay, but really confused. I came home and was talking to my friend and she without even knowing it, reiterated exactly what the woman said this morning. She helped me understand things better and somehow having someone who's been through this tell you that freedom is worth it and possible, is so comforting. I'm tired of being lied to. This crippling fear is a lie and I won't let Satan do this to me anymore. I want to live the life God has for me, I won't be ruled by fear anymore. I'm ready to let go. It's always been a battle but now I'm going to fight to win. This is hard, but everything feels clearer. It will take some time, but I'm going to be okay, I know it.
Posted by: Therese | 02/27/2013 at 04:21 PM
Happy birthday, Miss Crystal!!!!! Hope you have a fabulous birthday!
Posted by: Grace Anne | 02/27/2013 at 05:18 PM
Therese, I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling better. I agree that God puts certain people in our lives through hard times. Just recently when I was going through the thing I commented about before (hurtful remarks, and it was actually part of my first breakup) I ended up getting a lot closer to one of my friends who reached out to make sure I was doing okay. I really felt like it was such a God-thing so I'm glad you could enjoy that too!
Posted by: Marlee | 02/27/2013 at 08:02 PM
Happy Birthday Ms Crystal!! Im always so happy to see you on the blog- you are amazing and inspiring (just like Mrs. Rue), so have an wonderful day! :)
I'm sorry I havent been to active... I dont know... That last post (by the way- the cover is really cool- I love the colors and how colors are spread throughout it- gorgeous.) was really good... but hard. I mean, that task? Honestly, Ive been trying hard to do that for a while now- you might not remember, but those three months two years ago, when we were living in my aunt's house... I shut off my feelings. Like I numbed it all down so I didnt really feel anything, I was basically a robot going through the motions every day. And I kept that going as we moved from London to where we are now (a move that would have been insanely sad and emotional is I had allowed myself to really feel it)...
Im still kinda recovering from that. It's hard for me to feel what's inside...
And before those three months, I was totally on fire for God, completely... now... idk. I used to pray every day, every night, now... I do with my family at dinner, I pray when Im freaked out, but I dont pray much anymore, I dont read His word much. It's been hard, this whole trust thing. And now there's a weird thing going on now, my future is super unclear, where I'll be in a year, in six months, etc. Something I should be trusting God more with, but Im almost scared too... yeah...
Not to say I've been ignoring it all together. No.
I wanted something a little more to do in school (Im homeschooled) so I asked for a religion, which my mom was like OKAY yes, sounds great. It's been really great, actually- we've read The Irresistable Revolution (by Shane Cleighborn- LOVE that book, love him- I went to see him speak a couple years ago and loved it), One Thousand Gifts (by Ann Voskamp... okay, mini review. this book is AMAZING. I read two chapters a week, and it was like my peace time. so so so beautiful. And yes, Im keeping a gratitude list, a numbered one. And love it. I just finished the book last week and am about to start reading it again by myself. It's that good. And her blog ( aholyexperience.com I think) is... amazing. Daily devotionals. Anyway, and I started The Life of the Beloved by... I forgot... yesterday and adore it too, so I really reccomend that already.
Plus I saw a free concert of Phil Wickham (his last name is spelt differently, huh? I hadnt really wanted to go- I thought it'd be really slow and everything... i was blown away, teared up a couple times. It was... amazing, especially for a first concert :). It was just him, his guitar, his amazing energy and God. Amazing.
Other little things have happened... and I really want to get close to Him again...
So yeah. Thats a little bit of whats going on inside me now... I'm still very murky, but hopefully getting better, getting clearer... now for this post... (Im sorry, this post is going to be enormous :P )
K, I agree (without being conceited or anything) with what Sasha said at the bottom of this post... but it's also with I'm really alone with myself, with me.
This was an *amazing* post, Mrs. Rue. As in I'm-going-to-save-this-to-read-again awesome. Thank you. Sorry for the huge post- ha, sorry if you actually read that whole thing. It was a lot of gibberish and journaling-like.
Posted by: Kate | 02/27/2013 at 08:47 PM
just wanted to add that if you think im depressed, im not- i know i sounded like it, but i had a hard school day, so... yeah. :P sorry about the behemoth post!
Posted by: Kate | 02/27/2013 at 09:11 PM
Yay Therese! I'm so proud of you and I'll keep praying for you :)
Would you all mind praying for me this weekend? I'm leaving tomorrow for a scholarship weekend at a college where I'll be doing a lot of intense interviewing. I'm really stressed because it's four whole days and I don't know anyone there, and whenever I get really anxious I get severe stomachaches. Thanks!
Posted by: Katie | 02/27/2013 at 09:57 PM
Happy Birthday Miss Crystal! You are so special to all of us:) I hope you have a great day, you deserve it!
Catch up later,
Jenna
Posted by: JennaT | 02/27/2013 at 10:03 PM
KATE! I looove One Thousand Gifts. My list is up to 196. :)
Therese- yay! Praise Jesus! Your comment really encouraged me. :)
Posted by: Abbie | 02/27/2013 at 10:39 PM
Hey Katie, I'm going on a scholarship interview this weekend too! I'll be praying for you!
Posted by: Marlee | 02/27/2013 at 11:46 PM
thankyou Nancy. for every word.
Posted by: emii | 02/28/2013 at 02:26 AM
Thank you for posting!After reading your post, I just heaved a mega sigh of relief. Soooo good!
While studying myself in the mirror this morning and writing down the first things that popped into my head, I realized that I'm very good at acting put-together and strong and am an expert at hiding/pushing away my true emotions-- so much so that I'm suddenly trying to figure out who I am all over again! Almost like I've covered my true-self with a mask and have trained myself to believe that the mask is my identity.
While inside I may feel really joyful or scared or weak; I struggle to bottle those feelings away and "put on a brave face". I want to be vulnerable, to express my feelings more-- but I'm scared I'll end up disappointed or misunderstood or totally judged. I want to allow myself to feel more, instead of shoving my emotions down and replacing them with a "You should feel this way. What's wrong with you?!"
The Lord allowed me to see that, a lot of what I do-- how harshly I judge myself and others-- is 1)because I've lost sight of who I am in Christ, and 2)because I'm scared (of people being better than me, of not being good enough, of failing, of messing up for the hundredth time etc.)
Although it's no where near where I want to be, I'm glad that God helped me to identify some of these areas. It feels totally overwhelming and scary right now, but I keep reminding myself that God is faithful and, now that I know what the problems are, He and I can begin working on it together :)
Therese, that's wonderful! So proud of you girl:) Will definitely keep praying!
Posted by: Sasha | 02/28/2013 at 09:12 AM
Thank you for this post! And I agree with Sasha, I have that feeling that I have to be strong all the time. Maybe that's why I couldn't face myself; that would mean facing my weakness and vulnerability. I HAAATE being vulnerable. Lol
But I also think that maybe that's where God wants me..I know he can do a lot in my weakness, so I will let him do whatever he wants to (as long as I don't have to be vulnerable for anyone else;) ).
Posted by: bulletsoul | 02/28/2013 at 07:22 PM
Praying for all you girls heading to scholarship interviews!
Posted by: bulletsoul | 02/28/2013 at 07:22 PM