Hey, Ladies --
I had a post planned but after reading your comments I've decided to go a little different route this afternoon. That next passage from John on obedience will still be there to come back to.
I feel like I need to honor the honesty that came through your responses to the last post.
THERESE'S fear of letting go of self-injury, even though she knows there's healing in it for her if she does. "Cutting seems to be my only out. I'm scared to let go of control and trust someone else to help me."
ALISHA's understanding of that because she's been there -- and her applicaton of that to yet another round of doctor's appointments that have the potential to change her life forever. What, she asks, do you do when you let go of something that's chained you and in a way held you for so long? Even when you know what is waiting on the other side has to be better than what you are living right now. Even when the Holy Spirit is nudging you, it's still hard to move out of your comfort zone. What if you take one step forward and wind up two steps back?
SASHA feels that the Holy Spirit is asking her to redefine her opinion of sucess. Until now, she's believed if she's not perfect, then she must be a failure. "Still trying to figure out exactly what the Lord's definition of success is, but I feel like Holy Spirit is nudging me to search it out."
ASHLEY, too, feels the pressure to be perfect, being the pastor's daughter -- and yet she's struggling in her relationshp with God.
It seems to me that what's on your mind is "success" -- the fear of it, the definition of it, the futility of even reaching for it. I'm moved by that -- because I think the very kind of thinking you're doing is a guarantee that you WILL achieve success -- the success God wants for you.
How to get there? I think you may have answered that yourselves already, but let me have a try at nutshelling that for you.
Could it be that sucess is overcoming what you're most afraid of?
I don't want to say any more about that at the moment. I'd just like for you to ponder it. Pray about it. Think about it in light of your current experience. Then share -- your doubts, questions, that thing you're most afraid of. I truly want to know, and I think we all do, yes?
Before we go, a few prayers. Your Sisters have asked you to go to God for:
ASHLEY who feels she has to struggle alone right now.
AMY'S best guy friend who has family problems and is bullied a lot and may have an eating issue
ALISHA who returns home tonight after two days of non-stop doctors.
THERESE who is starting counseling again for the troubling problem of self-injury.
Merciful God, hear our prayer.
Okay, one more one more thing: PAIGE made a suggestion for Lent -- 40 days of giving up worrying. (We could call it "Giving Up Freaking Out". Or not)I think we could have fun with that as well as go deep. I'm still open to more ideas. Even if we don't use yours during Lent, there ARE other seasons!
Blessings,
Nancy Rue
It's strange. One of the things that I'm most scared of is failure, which I know is inevitable. Failure as an imperfect being in an imperfect world is something that I know I have to learn to accept, but it's scary. I think it's because I become so wrapped up in what the world defines as success and failure, and I have to accept that God loves me no matter what the world thinks
Posted by: Miriam | 02/05/2013 at 04:34 PM
I know the thing I'm most afraid of is failure. In my contact improvisation class we were supposed to get in small groups and work to get over our biggest dance-related fear. All of us in the group I was in had a fear of falling and getting injured and never being able to dance again. For me, I know that's because I would see that has failing in the worst way. So then is success overcoming failure? I'm not sure for me. I'm a dancer which means I am never, ever going to be completely successful and achieve perfection in anything. I'm at college so I'm getting grades and I'm focused on not just not failing, but also getting the highest grade I possible can and then comparing myself with everyone else to determine how I should feel about my grade. For me, I think success would be overcoming the FEAR of failure. I'm not just how I would do that or what that even really means, but I don't think I could ever completely overcome failure. It's always a lurking possibility, but for me I would consider myself if failing didn't strike terror and anxiety within me. I would consider myself successful if I could say "I'm doing my best, I'm giving it my all, it truly does not matter to me what my results of this evaluation are or what everyone else thinks of me. This is MY success."
Posted by: Melody | 02/05/2013 at 06:01 PM
of course I write everything out and then realize I posted it on the wrong post so:... (ugh)
hey gals I have been reading the blogs but not posting but please I have an emergency prayer request. my grandma was at the nursing home doing rehab and on the way to physical therapy she fell. this happened about a week ago. the nursing home kind of just shook it off but she was in a lot of pain. the just found out today that she has a broken hip and a broken pelvic bone. we are going to have to make a case against the nursing home because they kept trying to make her do physical therapy and walk and stand even thought she told them that it hurt to much and they still made her do it. they also denied her of all the pain medication that she needed. please pray for my mom because she is very upset and also give the doctors strength to do whatever they have to do. also give my grandma strength to make it through this since she is eighty one. please pray for my aunt because she is down there and is going to try to deal with this situation. thank you. our whole family is kind of rattled.
okay!!!
Posted by: LauraJane | 02/05/2013 at 06:48 PM
When I think about all the things I'm afraid of I begin to realize how many there actually are. I pride myself on the fact that I'm strong, I can handle things, I'm not scared. Things I'm afraid of aren't physical things, they are emotional fears. I'm afraid of failure, of not being good enough. Somehow I think that making a mistake, getting a bad grade, doing something wrong, will make me a failure. I'm afraid to give up control, I'm afraid of what people think of me, I worry how I come across to other, I don't want to her people, I struggle with guilt. I walk around bottling up my feelings, acting like a throw rug everyone can walk all over just because I'm afraid of rejection, failure, hurt, embarrassment, hurting someone's feelings. Instead I take the brunt of everything. I internalize it and it festers, all the things I want to say to people, all the times I've been angry and held my tongue, when people have hurt me and I've never brought it to there attention, all the emotions caused still flare up inside me. My daydreams are about me yelling at people, telling them exactly what I think. I have all the words to say it, I'm just too scared and I hate myself for that, because I can feel it destroying me, my life and all my relationships. I just image how free I'd feel if I could for just once, speak without fear of judgement or what others might things. /That/ is what I need to overcome, I need to let go of the control I hold over myself, the vice grip that keeps me from letting anyone see me. I have to, before all these pent up emotions strangle me.
Posted by: Therese | 02/05/2013 at 07:38 PM
Hey beautiful ladies,
I just got home from those 2 days of nonstop doctors that I mentioned in the comment section of the last post and Nancy mentioned above.
The main news, the good news, is that I am in what they call stabilized remission. My disease is no longer active and causing damage inside of my body. Everything looks stable, and I'm doing well. This is amazing news, but it's also nerve wracking in the way that i mentioned before, that I now have to figure out what to do with my new life. Obviously I still have limitations and things I cannot do because of my illness but I'm in remission and that's kind of like getting freedom to live my life. As wonderful as this is, I'm nervous about moving forward, even though I know the future will be amazing. I'm hoping you girls know what I mean. but yes, good news, in remission! The other set of news that I got was that there's something going on in my kidneys (Typical, we get one organ wrangled into submission and then another one decides to misbehave!) So pretty shortly I'll be heading in for more testing just to try and get a better idea of what's going on there and what sort of treatment I need to be on for that.
I'm also starting infusion therapy to help with my tachycardia (really fast heart rate) but that's not really a big deal as my doctor has given me the ok to do it from home and at this point it doesn't look like I'll need to head to the hospital to get that done every day.
I'm good, I'm really good, and that's almost weird for me to hear. I guess I'm kind of stuck at that cross roads, that "What now?" What do I do with my life now that I am in remission?
Thanks for all of your prayers, ladies, and I would really appreciate them to continue as I walk through this further testing in figuring out what's wrong with my kidneys. I'll keep you guys posted.
Posted by: Alisha | 02/05/2013 at 09:08 PM
Alisha- THAT IS SO EXCITING!! I don't honestly understand what you mean, but I don't think I could unless i went through the same thing. All I know is I'll continue to pray for you as you embark on this new journey and stage of life.
Therese- I totally know the feeling, I too, used to really struggle with the same thing, and still do to a certain extent.
I'm going to take sometime to mull over this post and then I'll comment later on.
Goodnight, lovely ladies!
Posted by: Paige | 02/05/2013 at 11:29 PM
That's wonderful, Alisha!! So happy to hear you're doing better!Continuing to pray for you :)
After reading the comments, I feel like everyone's already summed up how I feel! Failure scares me a lot... it's like I measure my worth by how well I do something or what I accomplish or how "above" or "below" average I am,and if I mess up that automatically makes me "less". But, failure and success (and learning to successfully handle failure) are things that cause us to grow... still have a lot of pondering to do on this, but I love what you said about success being to overcome what you're most afraid of! That's definitely giving me a start in the right direction :)
Posted by: Sasha | 02/06/2013 at 08:10 AM
LauraJane and Therese, I will definitely be praying for you girls and for your grandma LauraJane!
And Alisha, I'm so glad that you're getting better!!! I agree with Paige, I'm sorry I can't empathize with you, but I do know what you mean about being nervous about the future; sometimes I get intimidated, like I won't make the most of it or won't know what to do. Keep hanging in there and leaning on your amazing faith in the one true Healer, and know my prayers are right there with you!
I agree with what pretty much all of you girls have said, that failure is my greatest fear. And also, I think sometimes success can be a fear too. Kind of like how Alisha said she isn't sure about the "what now" of her remission. It's like, the future could hold absolutely anything. And while I know God has an infallible and perfect plan for me, there's a nagging fear of, "But what if I miss it? What if I get so wrapped up in trying to do what it is that I think He wants for me that I crowd out His actual will?" So again, it sort of goes back to the main fear of failure. It seems like it would be nearly impossible for me to have complete confidence that God won't let me fall, that if I truly seek Him with all my heart, He won't be all, "Oh, she didn't do exactly what was best for her there, looks like she's out of luck." It's terrifying for me to let go of all control over what might be next, of allowing God to take care of it and just give MY best, like Melody said. Not what someone else thinks my best is, not what I expect my best to be, just pour out all that I am to Him and have faith that His power will be made perfect in my weaknesses.
This is going to be really hard for me to swallow and put into practice, but I know that all of you girls will be going through the same journey, and what a comfort that is :) Love you all sososo much and praying for each of you!
Love and Blessings,
*Rachel*
Posted by: *Rachel* | 02/06/2013 at 04:49 PM
Therese, you describe me perfectly. You're in my prayers.
I've been seeing someone about personal issues, and things have started to change. I think what scared me the most was leaving the dark hole that was in my mind. Even though it was dark and depressing in there, it was like it was home. It was depressing, but there was no big pain because everything hurt. I learned, though, that God's light is bigger than my darkness. No matter how many times I mess up, God is bigger than my mess.
You all are in my prayers!
Posted by: Jyllenna | 02/06/2013 at 09:42 PM
Praying for everyone
Alisha- that's great news prayin for you :)
Posted by: Amy | 02/07/2013 at 06:34 PM
Hey everyone, sorry I haven't been on here in a while. Wow I've missed this blog!
Praying for you LauraJane, I understand what you're going through with your grandma because my grandma fell a few years ago too and went into a nursing home (and came out two years later right before my grandpa fell and went into a nursing home like her :P)
Therese--I'm so praying for you girl. I used to be a cutter too...I know what you're going through because I was there. Jesus set me free, He'll do the same for you too :) Just keep holding on to Him.
Alisha- I'm happy you're now in remission! Still praying for you too :)
And also praying for everyone else who I didn't mention :)
I have to go! I'll try and come on here more often...this is the world's most awesomest blog.
Posted by: Joy | 02/07/2013 at 07:09 PM
Hey everyone. I have been reading the posts but not commenting very much. I have some personal problems that I really need prayer for. Thank you! I am praying for all of you.
God Bless,
Bekah
Posted by: Bekah | 02/07/2013 at 11:21 PM
Prayer request: I'm insanely stressed right now and have a huge test tomorrow that I don't feel at all prepared for (its coming last in a line of 5 tests/quizzes in a three day span). I'm just really worried and would truly appreciate some prayer. My test is tomorrow at noon (central time) if anyone could remember to pray for me. Love you girls.
Posted by: Melody | 02/08/2013 at 12:03 AM
Praying for everyone!! WELCOME BACK JOY!!! :D :D
Posted by: Abby:) | 02/08/2013 at 01:19 AM
Bekah and Melody, just wanted to let you know my prayers are with you! Love you girls, know that you can do all things through Him who strengthens you, for His power is perfected in weakness :)
Love and Blessings,
*Rachel*
Posted by: *Rachel* | 02/08/2013 at 10:35 AM
Definitely agree, failure is what I'm most afraid of. One thing that has really helped me though is a quote I've been told for sometime.
"Don't be so afraid of failure. You can't let God down because you were never holding Him up."
I don't know why, but I find that so comforting.
Posted by: Paige | 02/08/2013 at 11:04 AM
Okay, I'm like over-commenting on this post :), but here's a quote I just stumbled across that I thought you girls might like:
"God has not called me to be successful. He has called me to be faithful."
~Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Posted by: *Rachel* | 02/08/2013 at 06:17 PM
I have a prayer request, but it kind of doesn't make a lot of sense: My friend and I liked the same guy, but she decided that she was going to stop liking him so I could. I feel bad that, even though she liked him as much as me, she is trying to stop her feelings for him for my sake. I am so thankful to God that she is willing to do that for me, but I don't want her to. Like I said, it really doesn't make any sense.
Posted by: Grace Anne | 02/09/2013 at 10:31 PM
I was talking to Nicole the other day and we were discussing fear. I realized that fear of the unknown is also a huge issue for me. Whenever I go into something I need to have it all spelled out for me so that I know what I'm getting into and what is expected. That's why the future sometimes scares me a lot, because its a mystery.
Alisha, I'm so happy for you, that's wonderful! You'll continue to be in my prayers.
Paige, I love that quote!
Thank you all for the prayers. :)
Grace Anne, sent up a prayer. I get what's your saying.
Love you girlies. <3
Posted by: Therese | 02/10/2013 at 12:36 PM
Please pray for my great-grandmother, Erma. She has been in the hospital for a few days and she is in a lot of pain, but the doctors can't figure out what's wrong. I really don't want to lose her, and I'm a little scared. She means so much to my family and we love her so much. Please pray that God alleviates her pain and he doesn't take her too soon. Thanks girls.
Posted by: Ireland | 02/10/2013 at 12:55 PM
Praying for everyone!
I would love, love, love to have a blog retreat. Just an idea.
xox
Posted by: May | 02/11/2013 at 01:50 AM