'Tween You And Me

LADIES, LADIES, LADIES!I

All right, mini-women -- Mama Rue is laying down the law. The Tween You and Me blog is a SAFE place for you to comment on  THE TOPIC I PRESENT TO YOU. You may post about your own experiences and that is ALL. There will be no judging, advising, and criticizing of each other. This is not a chat room, and it is my responsibility to make sure that you feel free to visit and read without feeling threatened in any way. If anyone continues to post the kinds of things that I am seeing I will be forced to block you from the blog. We are all Christians, and this is not the way Christians treat each other. This is the very thing I am all about -- the whole reason for the Friendship Flubs. It looks like we have more work to do! And in the meantime, please apologize in a private email to anyone whose feelings you may have hurt -- and do it soon. I expect compassion and Christian love from my mini women.

Blessings,

Mama Rue

IN MEMORY OF CAPTAIN AND SULLY

Hello, my mini-women. I'm so sorry I have been away from the blog for so long, and  I hope you all had a beautiful Christmas. Ours was wonderful-- a true celebration of our Christ's birth. But right after Christmas Day, something very sad happened to our two puppies, Captain and Sully, and they died. So today, instead of giving you advice, I'm simply going to ask for your prayers -- that God will heal the pain we feel at our house, and that he will provide help for a person who would hurt innocent puppies. Will you do that for me? Prayer is a powerful thing, especially coming from precious mini-women like you. I will be back with happier thoughts very soon. I'm sure I will learn things from this that I can share with you. Thank you for being my friends.

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

CFF vs. CFF

          A lot of competing for Mom's lap goes on at our house -- as you can see.  Sully and Captain  are even BIGGER now than they were when these pictures were taken, but they still think they can fit onto my thighs if they can just curl up into a tight enough ball . . . As you can see, I think it's hilarious -- but they don't. If Captain gets pushed off, he goes to one of this beds and pouts. I'm serious. He won't even look at anybody. And if Sully gets knocked out of the coveted lap position, he just jumps on Captain and yanks at his collar (he ate four of them before we switched to the leather kind with big metal things on it) or pulls on his ear or gnaws on his leg.

Kind of makes you glad you're a human child and not a puppy doesn't it? I mean, as people, we're so far above that. . . . Arent' we?

Uh, maybe not. Several of you have emailed me
asking what to do when you and your CFF (that's Close Friend Forever -- which one of you pointed out is better than BEST Friend Forever, of which you can only have one -- and you can have as many CLOSE friends as you want)  . . . where was I? Oh - you asked what to do when you and your CFF are competing for the same thing, and only one of you can have it. Maybe it's the same spot on the soccer team, or the same role in the school musical. There can also be competition for which one of you is best at something -- getting top grades, performing ballet, looking spectacular. And of course there's the unofficial contest to see who can have the most -- trendy clothes, perfect scores, tunes on your iPod. Yeah, you love your friend like a sister (maybe more!) and you want her to be happy -- but -- honestly -- not happier than you when it comes to what you can be and what you can do and what you can have!
You may not bite her leg or chew her jewelry if she makes team captain instead of you or gets a 100 when you only score a 99 -- but your reaction might not be entirely un-dog-like. We are all capable of going off and pouting, or jumping on each other with criticism, or pulling each other's ears with rude comments. Obviously all that sulking and biting and yanking isn't good for your friendship. Now is the time to learn how to deal with that before BOYS enter the scene and the competition really gets ugly . . .

What to do when it becomes you vs. one of your CFF's?  Try this:

        * Be honest with your friend about the situation. It's no good to pretend you don't care whether you get picked for the Nutcracker Ballet. Hello! You've been prepping for the audition for months! Tell her you'll really be disappointed if she's selected and you aren't. You share everything else with each other, so why not those feelings?

        * Agree going in that you are going to celebrate for each other and support each other -- no matter how it turns out. Do that BEFORE the audition or the try-out or the test.

        *  If you end up on the losing end, you will have bummed-out feelings, so share them with a grown-up who understands. It's best not to go to another friend and talk about your feelings of jealousy. You know how that kind of thing shared in the girls' restroom can get out of hand!

        * If you win what your friend wanted, don't expect her to do cartwheels of joy for you (unless she's read this blog, of course!) Be sensitive to her feelings and give her a day or two to get past that. Don't flaunt your success in front of her, even if she seems okay with it. Think how you would feel if it had turned out the other way

        *  Make an agreement with your friend not to compete over anything that contains the word "most" -- the most outfits, the most Valentines, the most  people at your sleep-over.  Friendly competition is one thing --  like  who can do the most somersaults in five minutes or who can go the longest without having a fight with their little brother. That kind of competition makes you better at something. It can't stay friendly if the competition makes you a WORSE friend.

In this season of giving, it might be a cool idea to give competition a rest and give your CFF the gift of being first and most and best. Make her a card that says she the greatest friend a girl could have. Tell her you'll tutor her over the holidays so she, too, can ace the next math test. Let her be in the spotlight, wherever that is. And remember that one thing you DON'T have to compete for is God's love. You're both the same in His eyes -- in the eyes of that baby whose birth we're about to celebrate. Yeah. That's what I'm talkin' about.

Blessings!

Nancy Rue 

DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT POPULARITY THIS WAY?

Otri (Or is it Inari? I can never keep them straight!) is a cute Siamese/Tabby mix, which means that as an adult kitty, she will be very beautiful and all the other cats are going to want to be like her. (Especially when she stops climbing the Christmas tree and jumping into people's cereal bowls to get the milk). It sounds like a pretty nice gig, doesn't it -- being the Top Cat? Or girl, for those of us who are human?

But you know what?  A girl with the label "popular" could be under a lot of pressure to appear perfect. Many girls I've talked to in that category say they feel like they can never have an off day. They get exhausted trying to juggle so many friendships and be in charge of so many people. Often, they're afraid to try anything "different", like learn to knit a scarf or collect paper dolls or climb a tree just because it's there. How un-cool would that be?

  For those of us who  aren't the  queen bees of our hive -- uh, school --  that doesn't sound too bad. We'd  gladly take a little pressure if it  meant  having absolutely everyone know our name when we walk down the hall. Really think about it, though. Isn't it  nice to just be quiet on those days when you feel a little funky?  Don't you love it when it's just you and your BFF hanging out with nothing to do?  Don't you have mornings when you just want to put on your sweats and stick your hair in a ponytail and be done with it? A girl who's living up to the reputation for being "on" all the time can't do that. It's harder for her to just be who she is.

SO -- if you know a girl who is surrounded by adoring fans all the time, instead of envying her, pray for her, even if she's mean to you sometimes. It's hard to hate someone you talk to God about every day. And if she does seem a little down one day, give her a smile or write her a note that says, "I hope you're okay.  I'm praying for you." She may look at you like you're' weird, but, trust me, she'll appreciate it down in that tiny part of her that wants to be real.

AND -- if you ARE a girl who rides the wave of popularity,  remember that you don't have to be what everyone  expects you to be. You only have to be who God made you to be.  When you're true to that,  yes, some other kids are going to say,  "Okay, who are you and what have you done with  ________ (insert your name)," but the friends who stick with you are the real ones anyway. And who needs fake friends that only like you when you're being cool? Let yourself have some un-cool moments!

Now, not every girl who is liked by everybody is putting on an act, trying to please them all. But there is great responsibility in being a leader, and even leaders have their faults. It's all about being sure our expectations of people are only the expectations that God has: that we love God and love each other and ourselves in a REAL way. No pressure -- just love.

I"m lovin YOU, mini-women!

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

ALL ABOUT POPULARITY: PART ONE

Can you count the number of  mammals snuggled together on my daughter's couch?  From left to right, we have Frost, Fletcher, Inari, or is it Otri, PIper, and Otri, or is in Inari? Anyway, this is obviously the group to be in! In their world, they are the in-crowd.

Have you noticed that there's an in-crowd in every situation with a large number of kids over eight years old? Your school, maybe even your grade, probably has one. Maybe there's a group of so-called "popular kids" in your youth group or Sunday school. I've seen them in large gymnastics organizations, soccer leagues, dance studios, even homeschool co-ops.  It  always seems that a small number of kids stands out as the ones everybody wants to be with, be like, be connected with.

 What makes a girl, in particular, one of the "pops?"  In spite of the lip that curls up when we talk about "the popular girl", very often a girl gets that label because she is loved by a lot of people., That's what popularity is, after all. She's considered popular because:

            *  she's fun and outgoing
            *  she does a lot for the school or organization she's in
            *  she helps people feel good about themselves
            *  she can take charge without being bossy
            *  she seem confident

That's why everybody likes her and wants to be around her. Is there anything wrong with that? Not at all! In fact, wouldn't it be great if we were all fun, dependable, caring, confident leaders?  Why is it, then, that we tend to turn our noses up at the girl who is riding the wave of popularity? There are several reasons:

       (1)  Maybe we're jealous of her success -- and instead of learning from her, we put her down to make ourselves feel better

       (2)  Maybe we're afraid to try to become her friend, as if she's too good for us somehow, and we make up for that  by deciding she's not all that wonderful after all

       (3) Maybe we've just had bad experiences with in-crowd kids who were mean to everyone who wasn't in their group, and we aren't going through that again

That raises two questions.

One -- what if you'd like to make friends with that amazing girl but you think she's above you? The answer to that is that nobody is above anybody else!  God didn't say, "I did a great job creating Trish -- everybody loves her. But I didn't do as well with little Helen over there because after all, not everybody can be popular." I mean, WHAT? It's ridiculous, right? So if you really want to get to know that great gal, because she's great, not because you want to be considered popular, then do it, because you are great, too. Smile. Ask friendly questions like, "Where did you get  those cute flip-flops?" Be your fun self around her. You might not end up hanging out together all the time, but you could make a new buddy to touch bases with on the bus everyday or be your partner in a class project.

Two -- what if you try to be friends and she basically tells you that you smell? Okay  -- not somebody you want to be friends with. At all. Move on to people who appreciate you. Who dont act like they're going to catch the Unpopular Disease from you. You dont need it. You really don't.

Basically, being popular is not something you strive for and work at so you can feel good about yourself. True popularity --meaning, a lot of people really like you for who you are -- is something that happens naturally when you totally care about other kids and are a joy to be around. In fact, you don't even have to be in "that crowd" to be popular. 

Yikes, there's so much more I want to share about popularity, so let's continue tomorrow. I would love to hear your comments on the subject. YOu are ALL popular with me!

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

NEW GUIDELINE

Good morning, mini-women! I don't usually blog on Saturday, but I wanted to respond to your comments.

I love that you're sharing your views about books and music. After all, I'm always saying, "Find something else to talk about besides gossip!" However, I'm not sure that our blog is the best place to do that, and here's why:

          * I think that when it comes to wondering if an artist is okay to listen to or a movie is all right to see or a book is appropriate to read, you really ought to run it by your parents. They are going to be the best judges of what's good for you.

         * We are all different in the way we've been brought up, the churches we attend or don't attend, and the number of choices we're allowed to make, so none of us -- including me! -- is in a position to advise you on what to read, watch, or listen to

          *  I feel a great responsibility for how I influence you, and I can't meet that responsibility if we're talking about things I'm not familiar with --and since I haven't read every book, seen every movie, and listened to every recording artist, I think it's best that we stick to the things that I feel comfortable guiding you in.

So, I LOVE your comments. Don't stop posting them! But let's keep them to the topic in the post -- unless you want to ask a related question or suggest a new topic. Fair enough?

Have a great weekend!

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

FRIENDS REGROUPING

I thought we would take a minute to regroup this morning before we move on to more friendship issues. Sound like a plan?

First of all, I LOVE that you're posting comments and creating a  community around the blog. You are all wise mini-women and have a lot to share with each other. I do want to encourage you to think very carefully as you post something you feel strongly about. Words can come out sounding  harsh when you probably don't mean them that way. Here's how to fix that (since we're fixing flubs these days!):  try putting what you want to say in the form of a question. For example, rather than saying something like, "Are you guys NUTS? Don't do that -- that's just WRONG!" -- perhaps you could say: "Don't you think that  goes against  what Jesus says about that?  Could you  maybe explain that a little more?"  It's always best to say, "This has been my experience," or "I was taught that --" or "Doesn't the Bible say?" We all respond better to that than we do to, "You are WRONG!" -- even if we are! It's all part of the learning process, right?

You've come up with some great ideas for future blogs, so here are the topics you can look forward to in the days to come:

         Monday, December 15 -- all about popularity

        Tuesday, December 16 -- when friends compete with each other
   
        Wednesday, December 17 -- telling vs. tattling

        Thursday, December 18 -- the many faces of lying

        Friday, December 19 -- what a healthy girl group looks like

If there are any other topics you'd like to discuss, please let us know by posting here or shooting me an email. After all, this  blog is all about you!

One more thing for today, since we're regrouping. Some of you have posted about  music choices -- and books and movies, too.. Here's what I believe about that. Of course you're always safe if you only listen to Christian music, only read Christian books, and only watch movies that are rated G. That's perfectly fine. I  know, though, that  we  cut ourselves off from other beautiful, meaningful things in God's world  if we limit ourselves to only those choices.  There is wholesome secular music. There are wonderful books that aren't directly Christian. Some of the best movies I have ever seen were rated PG-13. But you know what PG stands for, right? Parental Guidance -- and that's your key. If you aren't sure that something is appropriate for you, go to your mom or dad or whatever adult is in charge of helping you grow up and talk about what's in it, why you like it, and what the harm could be in it for you.  Jesus said we are not to be "OF the world", meaning shaped by what's popular, but we are to be "IN the world," understanding it and knowing it so we can  relate to other people and minister to them. It's sort of like this: I am not OF your tween world, since I'm 57 years old! But I spend time IN your world so I can understand what you're dealing with and help you out with that. Make sense? I think you can help each other with those choices, but just remember to be sensitive to each other's feelings as you do.

Have a wonderful weekend, my friends!

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

FRIENDSHIP FLUB #8: THE CLIQUE TRICK

These are some of my BFFs. In the summer and spring, we are out in our boats together almost every weekend. In the fall we watch football at each other's houses. In the winter we get together over a pot of Lee's beans (he's the one in the hat) and plan for the spring and summer!  We call ourselves the Redneck Yacht Club. And you know what the best part of our "club" is? Anybody can join! Sometimes Rita and Bobby hang with us. And David and Betty. And Mj and Sheryll and John and Kimberly and Brad and Hannah . . . Well, the point is, we are not a closed club. We are not a clique.

You know what a clique is, right? That's when a group of girls has no room for anybody new. It's usually led by one girl who has put herself in charge of deciding who's in and who's out and what's cool and what's not. You can spot a clique by looking for these kinds of things:

          *  The girls in it act like theirs is a better friend group than anybody else's

          *  The girls in it only think they're valuable people if they're accepted by the other girls in the group

           *  A girl has to earn her way into the group

           *  A girl can be booted out at any time

The worst thing is that even Christian girls can form cliques. Nobody's allowed in unless they go to a certain church or they don't have divorced parents or they attend a Christian school -- or some other thing Jesus would never say was a  "rule" for being accepted.

All of us like to hang out with certain people. It's natural to have a group of girls you like to be with -- all the time -- the ones you run to the restroom with to giggle -- the ones you text message -- the ones who know, like, everything about you. That's healthy when:

        *  It's based on really liking each other and enjoying the same things
       
        *  it's always open to finding new people to be friends with them

        *  it doesn't label other girls but finds out who they really are

If a healthy girl group is so much better than a clique, why would anybody even want to be in a clique? Here are some of the reasons:

        *  Often cliques are made up of "popular" girls that everyone else either likes or envies.  Being close to the cool girls makes them feel cool too

        *  A clique can sometimes turn on an ''outsider" and make her life miserable. (We'll talk more about that in future blogs). Sometimes girls work their way into cliques to protect themselves from being targets

        *   A clique can look like fun from the outside: a group of girls always together, knowing where they belong at all times, and being secure that there will always be somebody there. But once they're "in", some girls will stop acting like themselves and try to be more like the other girls in the clique -- just to hold on to that safety they think they have there

The whole clique thing wouldn't be SO bad, if it weren't for what can happen to the "outsiders" -- the girls NOT in the clique:

       *  They can be targets for teasing and really hurtful stuff cliques sometimes do
       *  They can feel like they're not worth as much
       *  They are often excluded from parties and sleepovers, simply because they aren't "in"
       *  They may be so hurt they become mean themselves, spreading rumors, giving hateful looks, even giving back the same kind of cruelty they're getting

And cliques aren't good for the "insiders", either, IF:

       *  they get the false idea that they really ARE better than everyone else
       *  they bully outsiders just to keep up that feeling
       *  they are closed off from making new friends who aren't willing to be just like them
       *  they aren't allowed to be independent and make their own choices in things like clothes or activities for fear they'll be excluded
       *  they can be so afraid of losing their place in the clique, they feel they can't afford to be nice to less "popular" kids
       *  they may not be happy because there's so much drama in the clique, it gets crazy; their friends don't make them happy -- they just make them feel  "in"

Tomorrow we're going to talk about what makes a healthy girl group. For now, let's just remember that any relationship that has rules and requirements and bases itself on being better than other people isn't going to get the okay from God. Just take a look around today and, without judging, see if you can tell the difference between girls in a clique and those in a group that are having a blast being mini-women. Until tomorrow . . .

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

FRIENDSHIP FLUB #7: WORTHLESS WORDS

I can get right in Sully's face -- like I'm doing here -- and explain why I  want him to stop chewing the linoleum floor in the laundry room, and does it do any good? None whatsoever. Next time I leave him and Captain down there while I go out, they'll rip up another couple of feet of it.  My words are pretty much worthless with him.

We sometimes tend to use worthless words with our friends, too -- though words of a different kind. As a Friendship Flub, Worthless Words means anytime friends use speech in a way that does nobody any good, and can even do harm. They're things like:

          *  Making promises they don't keep (and sometimes know they aren't going to keep them even as they're making them)
          *  Telling secrets they swore they wouldn't
          *  Complaining to each other 24/7, about absolutely everything
          *  Exaggerating the truth to make a better story
          *  Saying things that are true, but would have been better left unsaid
          *  Just plain old lying

Here's what that can sound like:

        *  Keisha swears she won't tell anyone else that Allie invited only her to go out on her grandpa's yacht -- but Keisha asks what she should bring in front of their other two friends.
        *  Brenna's best friend Julia failed the last math test, and Brenna promises to help her before the next one. But the night before the test, she goes to the mall with her mom instead
        *  Maddie wears the orange tights she loves to school. Her best friend, Britney, tells her she looks like she has carrots for legs and asks why she would put on something so ugly.

We could go on for days giving examples, right?  The point is, that stuff hurts, and that kind of hurt can ruin a friendship, because --

            *  A girl feels like she can't count on her BFF
            *  She stops sharing her private thoughts with her friend
            *  Both friends can become cranky and stop looking for the good in people and things
            *  Both the lied-about and the lie-teller can forget what the truth really is and tell more and more whoppers
            *  The friend who just can't keep her mouth shut gets a reputation for being the Blab Queen

That Flub definitely needs to be fixed. Here's how to do it together with your BFF:

         (1)  Make a pledge to each other to be careful with your words. Be specific about things that might be hard for you, like not spending all your time together gossiping about other people or not letting each other down with broken promises

          (2)  When the temptation arises to spill a secret or make a critical (though funny!) remark, do whatever you have to do to zip your lips. Put your hand over your mouth. Leave the situation. Change the subject.

          (3)  If you just can't hold yourself back, let your friends know they can't share their secrets with you or trust that you'll come through on a promise. Ask them to help you with that -- but remember that changing is your responsibility. That's why we've got God! Go straight to the top wuth this personal challenge

         (4)   Before you make a promise, really think about whether you can keep it. Only say you'll do what you absolutely know you can deliver on.

 Jesus said, "Here is a simple rule-of-thumb guide for behavior:  Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then . . . do it for them."  (Matthew  7:12, The Message)  We all need to remember that when it comes to our words. Ask what we want people to say to and about us, and then say those things to and about our precious friends. They say a woman speaks 30,000 words a DAY! Let's make them all count.

Can't wait to hear what GREAT words you have to say !

Nancy Rue

FRIENDSHIP FLUB #6: MY FREND, MY CLONE

I ask groups of girls at workshops if they would find it scary if a scientist created another human being identical to their brother or sister.  Hands shoot up, people start fainting . . .  no, but seriously, one sibling exactly like that one is definitely enough! Even our BFFs, wonderful as they are, don't need to be duplicated. Each of us is one-of-a-kind unique, and that's a good thing.

Why is it, then, that some friends feel like they have to "clone" you? You know, think they have to be totally like you in absolutely everything. The girl who copies your clothes, your pet phrases, even the way you laugh. The girl who gets mad when you don't choose the same activities and music and pizza toppings she does. Some grown-up may have told you to take it as a compliment when someone wants to copy you. Imitation, the old saying goes, is the sincerest form of flattery. But, come on, having Velcro Friend who clings to everything you do and say doesn't feel flattering. It feels smothering! Even identical twins aren't alike in every single way.

Besides the fact that being "cloned" is as irritating as a case of hives, it can do real damage to a friendship:

       *  The girl being copied may get so frustrated she finally screams, "Get off me!"

       * The girl doing the copying may not try new things or make her own decisions, which means she misses out on becoming her true self.

       *  Friendships don't usually last when one girl hangs onto the other like a ball and chain, or neither of them can go to the pencil sharpener without  being attached to the other like a refrigerator magnet. Too much togetherness is going to suffocate somebody sooner or later.

But like all the other Friendship Flubs, this one can be fixed. Here's how:

    If you are the copier:

          1.  Show your friend that you admire her by complimenting her, rather than trying to be her mirror image

          2.  Look at the reasons she likes you enough to be your BFF.  Then focus on those great qualities in yourself and develop them instead of trying to copy hers -- which can't be done anyway

          3.  Remember that just because your friends does something different from you that doesn't mean she doesn't like you. You're her friend because you're you --not because you're her!

          4.  If you always feel afraid when your friend refuses to be your twin, talk to an adult you trust. She may be able to help you respect and enjoy the differences instead of being frightened by them.

    If you have a friend who wants to Xerox everything you do:

          1.  Instead of telling her to knock it off, tell her what you admire about her that's maybe even the opposite of the way you are.  And never, ever put down who she is. It's fear of not being accepted for who she is that makes her want to  copy you in the first place

          2.  Without mentioning the copycat thing, have a talk about all the ways you two are different. Tell her that you love what's not the same about her.

          3.  When you make plans that don't include her or make a different choice from hers, also set up a time for the two of you to get together later and share your experiences.

          4. If she doesn't get it after some patient trying, tell her as nicely as you can that your friendship can't work if she's going to keep stealing your identity. Hopefully, if you do all of the above, it won't come to that.

Sometimes when I'm with someone I really admire, no matter what age, I will say, "I want to be just like you when I grow up." And there are definitely some traits other people have that I haven't learned -- like how to say no when I know I can't keep that promise I'm making. But for any of us to wish we were just like someone else, and even try to be, goes against  what God had in mind creating each of us  as individuals. Let's help each other out with that, shall we? As always I want to hear about your experiences with Cloning and Velcro Friends. Each one of you is a treasure.

Blessings,

Nancy Rue