'Tween You And Me

STEP 5 ON THE JOURNEY: DON'T BE AFRAID TO FAIL

 We talked yesterday about how much fun surfing was and how much I learned about life and God and us from my brief time with Dustin. One of the things I DIDN'T mention was this moment -- when we were pulling up our wetsuits and looking out at that rough water -- this moment when I thought, "What am I THINKING?" All the little devil thoughts raced through my head: "What if I can't do this? What if I drown? What if I look like an idiot?"

Years ago, those thoughts might have driven me right back to the Surf Station, grinning sheepishly and saying, "You know what -- I've changed my mind." Or I would never have considered the lessons in the first place. I would have interviewed some surfers, watched a few movies, read several books and called it good to go. That was before I really, really knew and trusted God, before that love and trust showed me who I am. As you can see, the fears come back to me sometimes. After all, the surf was rough and I am not athletic and people were going to be taking pictures of me floundering around out there. But just as quickly the fears were chased away. Dustin wasn't going to let me drown. More than likely I wasn't going to be able to stand up on a surfboard and hang ten. And way more than likely, I WAS going to look like an idiot. But who cared? What difference did it make? I just wanted to find out what surfing lessons were like so my next book can be real. And I wanted to have fun doing it. It wasn't about succeeding or failing. And in life itself, it almost never is.

Really -- what if you never tried anything you were the least little bit afraid you would fail at?  What if you were so constantly worried about what other people thought you couldn't even walk to the pencil sharpener in your classroom?   None of us would get very far if we did that -- and for many many years I DIDN'T get very far! I didn't have as much fun as i could have. I didn't have as many meaningful experiences as I might have. I probably didn't meet as many wonderful people as I would have otherwise.

So what changed? And what can change for you? Here it is -- step 5 on the journey to being yourself: don't be so afraid you're going to fail that you don't even try.

 Before we go any further, let me make this clear:  there is a difference between overcoming your fears and taking unnecessary risks. I didn't beg Dustin to take me way out beyond the breakers and let me try to stand up in water strong enough to beat the stuffings out of me. Nor do I drive 120 miles an hour on the freeway, jump out of an airplane (even with a parachute!) or try my hand at diving off a hundred foot cliff into the Pacific Ocean. If I fail at those things, I'm dead! In your life, that can be translated as: Don't try to drive a car, drink a beer, or sneak out your window in the middle of the night. Of those things, be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

I'm talking about the things you really can't fail at as long as you're trying -- as long as your goal is to learn or to have fun or to see what you're capable of. Here are some examples:

        * Do you not try very hard at math (or science or writing or test-taking) because you're afraid you'll fail -- so if you don't try that hard you can just say, 'I would've done better but I didn't care'?

        *  Do you wish you could try ice skating or watercolor painting or memorizing Shakespeare, but  you're afraid people are going to laugh at the results, so you just sigh and keep wishing?

        *  Have you attempted something once and it didn't go well so you're not going back there again? Maybe soccer when you were six, before you were even co-ordinated? Or poetry when you were seven and didn't actually know that many words yet? Or fractions last semester, before you knew your math facts?         

        *  Did someone make fun of you when you excitedly went for something and weren't perfect at it? When I was 9, I really wanted to ride a horse, but the people I was with told me I was being way too gentle with the animal and I would never get anywhere doing it that way -- and I haven't been back on a horse since. When I was in my 30's, I took a skiing lesson in the Sierras and the instructor told me I had no common sense whatsoever so I took off my skis and resigned myself to watching Jim and Marijean on the slopes while I sipped hot chocolate in the lodge.

The root of it all is that we're not so afraid of getting hurt or losing the competition. We're afraid of looking ridiculous, or being laughed at, of not being perfect. Does any of that sound like God to you? God doesn't laugh at us. There is no record of Jesus pointing at his disciples and making fun of them because they didnt get it. The Holy Spirit doesn't give us great ideas and beautiful inspirations for us to back off from them saying, "But what if I fail?" 

What God wants is for us to be free to be who we are, who we were made to be. I wasn't made to be a surfer, but I was made to be a writer who writes real, a person who enjoys God's gifts, a person who reaches out and connects with people. What if I HADN'T put on my wetsuit and gone out there and looked like a spastic over and over again? I couldn't write the next IRL book with nearly as much authority. I wouldn't have delightful memories. Dustin wouldn't be my consultant on the surfing scenes. I wouldn't have this confidence that your generation has kids like him in it who are sincere and honest and passionate about what they love.

So how do you keep from being a kook -- a person who is afraid to try?

        (1)  Choose the things that really look fun or meaningful or challenging to you. YOU. I don't want to learn to wakeboard or kayak or grow a rose garden. Those things don't interest me -- though I think they're all pretty cool things to do. But I do want to learn to ride a motorcycle and ballroom dance and speak Spanish.

        (2) Have a reachable goal for yourself. Rather than,"I will write the perfect poem," how about, "I will write the poems that come from my heart." You can't possibly fail at that.

        (3)  Learn from the mistakes you make while you're trying. Didn't quite complete that flip off the diving board? Ask a good diver what you could do to make it a little better next time. Aren't totally satisfied with that drawing? Study it and figure out what you'll do differently on this go-around.

        (4)  Stay away from people who make fun of your efforts. If your older brother snickers every time you dribble a basketball in the driveway, wait 'til he's not around. If you can't avoid them, laugh them off. "You think I look like a geek when I tap dance? You're probably right -- but I'm having one heck of a great time!" If the teasing gets ugly and you can't avoid it, confront that joker. "I'm just trying something new here, and I  would appreciate it if you would back off so I can enjoy it." Don't defend yourself or run off cryng (even though you want to!) Somebody's teasing says a whole lot more about who they are than about who you are. What are they doing? Standing there being hateful. What are you doing? Getting out there and enjoying your life.

    (5)  Deciding something isn't your thing isn't the same as failure. I don't imagine I'll be getting back into the ocean with a surfboard, but I don't see my lessons as a failure or even a waste of time. Same with running (after twenty years I decided to walk instead) and riding a ten-speed bike (I just never could get that gear-shifting thing down) .There are other things I've tried that I HAVE loved and stuck with -- yoga (I could barely touch the floor at first) , writing tween fiction (no, no, I was a TEEN writer, I told that publisher!), and writing books for grown-ups (no, no, I told that publisher, I'm a children's author!)

None of this means we shouldn't try to be the best we can be at the things that ARE us. I am constantly trying to improve my writing, my relationshups, my life as a Christian.  I work at not gossiping. At being supportive. At stretching a little further into wide angle seated forward bend. And I know I can't do any of that without God showing me who I am and what I can do and how I should do it and how it can help someone. With all of that on my mind, I don't have a lot of time to wonder if somebody thinks I'm silly or clumsy or a hopeless wannabe.

So what abolut you, my brave, adventurous, godly mini-women? How is fear-of-failure keeping you from trying something fun or enriching or important? If you post that today, you will show great courage. You will show that you trust God  and rely on his plan for you, more than you look for the approval of the critics, who wouldn't be laughing at you or putting you down if they really knew who THEY were. I can't wait to hear from you. I want to help. I want to see you having life and having it abundantly. THAT'S what I'm talkin' about!

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

  
             

BACK FROM THE SURF!

 Hello, Mini-Women! Did you know that there are actually places on earth where there is no Wi-Fi and you can't send email and blog? I'm serious! That's where I was all last week -- St. Augustine, Florida -- doing research for the NEXT IRL book. I missed talking to you here on 'Tween You and Me, but I'm back with a lot of very cool stuff to tell you. Stuff I learned from -- are you ready for this? Surfing.

Okay, well, not for-real surfing. Just surfing lessons. Trying to find out what it's like to try to learn to surf like Bryn, the character in the second IRL book. I figured the only way to really know was to try it myself. So I did. I took a surfing lesson from Dustin (that's him in the picture -- cute, huh?), and here's what I learned.

    (1) If you're going to surf in 65-degree water, you have to wear a wetsuit. (I only have mine halfway pulled up in this picture.) Putting it on is a skill in itself. I broke a nail and put it on backwards the first time and had to peel it off and start over. For future reference, the zipper goes in the back.

    (2) It's best to learn on a long board. This one was 8 or 9 feet long. It gives you plenty of room to wobble yourself into a standing position. And even 9 feet wasn't quite long enough for me!

    (3)  The first thing you have to do before you even head for the beach is wax down your surfboard, which is what we're doing in the above picture. That sounds like you're making the board slick, but it's just the opposite. You glob it on from this block that looks like a bar of soap and make the board bumpy so you'll have traction when you try to stand up. You feel very cool waxin' down your board.

    (4)  Next you carry the board down to the beach. Or your instructor carries it for you, as Dustin did because I am older than his mom and he was being polite. I was grateful because it's heavy and if the wind catches it you can take flight like the Wright Brothers. Still, I felt like a surfer already, walking beside Dustin with our board while kooks sat in their fold-up chairs on the beach and watched us pass. A kook is a person who doesn't surf. Dustin said I was not a kook because I was trying.

(5) It's good to "practice" on the beach, so that you know to start on your belly with your chest up, gripping the sides of the board and hanging your toes just off the back end. You learn that as soon as the wave has lifted you, you lean back and come uop on your left knee, leaving the back leg straight and then stand up with your left foot (unless you are a goofy foot, which means you would rather have your left in the back). Or you can just jump from your belly to your feet. It's very simple. On the beach.
 
           
(6) But then you get out in the water -- which is a whole thing in itself because you have to get PAST the waves to catch them -- and your instructor lines you up and gives you a push, and one of several things can happen. At least they did to me. Once I pulled my leg to the side to get up on my knee and the board dumped me off sideways. Twice I came too far forward and pearled -- that's surfer talk for taking a nose dive. That always results in a wipeout, in which you tumble all around under the water and think you'll never come up and when you do you are all tangled up in the leash that attaches your foot to the board. Once it ended up around my neck . . . Most of the time I was too far back so that when I stood up, the board just stopped.

    (7) But none of that mattered because I was having such a blast, whether I was just surfing on my knees or falling off the board or standing up for 3 seconds and "surfing" two inches. My friends on the beach were laughing their flip-flops off and I was hooting right along with them because the mistakes didn't matter and the spills didn't matter. It didn't even make any difference that after an hour of "just one more time and I'll have it!" I never did have it. Dustin just kept high-fiving me (because he is 19 and far past the absurd little creep stage) and I just kept loving being in the ocean, trying to trust my balance and laughing when I didn't quite get there.

    (8) When you've finished a session of attempting-to-learn-to-surf, you are that good kind of tired that comes when you've played hard and tried hard and you feel pretty good about your sweet self. And there's something else, too. Even though I can't consider what I did even close to actual "surfing", I am no longer a kook (according to Dustin). I attempted something that is special to a lot of people and I appreciate the skill it takes to enjoy such a demanding sport. For the rest of my stay in St. Augustine, I felt a sort of cousin-ship to the guys and girls I saw in their wetsuits, heading down to the waves early in the morning, boards tucked under their arms. And every time I took my own surfboard-less walk on the beach each morning after that and the tiny shore waves hurried up to meet me and splash over my feet, I could almost hear them saying, "Come out! Come out and play!"

   It's safe to say I will never be a surfer, but taking a lesson in surfing still showed me some things about being our true selves. What do you think those things are? If you want to guess, please post. Remember, there are never any wrong answers. I've missed hearing from you, so post soon!

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

TAKE JESUS LESSONS: STEP 4 ON THE JOURNEY

This is the newest member of our family, our great-nephew Baby Landen, 3 weeks old. I've had many long conversations with him during his week long stay at our house with his mom (our niece Kalyn, who was once a tween). Most of them have been me talking, of course, but he's a good listener, especially when he's having a bottle. There's so much I want to tell him about living in this world. But if I had to limit it to just one thing, it would be, "Landen, get as close as you can to Jesus, and you'll get closer and closer to your real self. Then you'll know how to love other people."

And that's my word for you today, too, even though you're way beyond three weeks old and far wiser and more experienced in this living thing. Any time in our lives is the time to start really being with our Lord Christ, and I start over every single day. What are some ways we can do that? Because seriously, talking to the Lord can feel a lot like talking to a three-week-old baby - you feel like you're doing most of the talking and not getting a whole lot of answers! I have a few suggestions. You can:

        *  try to listen up more in Sunday school instead of writing notes to (or texting!) your best friend the whole class period
        *  ask your mom to help you start a small FaithGirlz Club
        *  set up a special time and place where you can devote uninterrupted time to God-through-Christ every day, even if it's only for twenty minutes; there are some very cool devotionals for girls your age, not to mention the FaithGirlz Bible.
        *  pray a quick breath-prayer every time you think of something someone needs help with or just when you have that rush of feeling grateful
        *  pay attention to thoughts that strike you as maybe not coming totally from you, and things that grown-ups say to you that hit something you've been struggling with right between the eyes, and glimpses of goodness in other people. That could very well be our Lord doing his part to keep the conversation going

It takes work and focus and self-discipline to have a relationship with Christ. It doesn't just automatically happen because you go to church or you're baptized or you hang out with Christian kids. But it's the most important work you will ever do, because it leads you to who you were made to be, and only as that person can you truly, deeply love other people.

If you'd like to post today, why not share with us what you do to stay close to our Lord or what you're going to start doing today. Meanwhile, I'm going to go share all of this with Baby Landen. LIke I said, he's a good listener.

Blessings,

Nancy Rue   

MISTAKES? WE LAUGH AT THEM!: STEP 3 ON THE JOURNEY

Have you ever read Anne of Green Gables? It was one of my favorite books when I was a tween and I think it still is (not to mention the movie -- I cry EVERY TIME I watch it.) One of my favorite lines in it is when Anne says she loves morning because the day stretches out before her with no mistakes in it yet. I totally agree with her -- because we can't get very far into the day before we start making them.

You stay in bed five minutes extra and almost miss the bus.

You get two questions wrong on the social studies test.   

You accidentally call your teacher "Mom" instead of Mrs. Whatever.

It would be nice if those were the only kinds of mistakes we made, right? No big deal. That's why erasers were made. Those boo-boos don't keep us from ever getting out of bed again or taking another test or speaking to the teacher. That would be so ridiculous. But when it comes to things that matter more, we do sometimes let our mistakes make us afraid to keep going. We say things like:

        *  I really blew that test. I'm going to fail math and I'll be grounded for life.

        *  She's really mad at me for what I said. I guess she won't be my friend any more.

        *  I bruised my knee big-time when I fell on my skates.  I stink at figure skating.

        *  Why did I cheat on that book report? Now Mrs. Whosit thinks I'm a juvenile delinquent. I'm going to have to transfer to another class.

But if we're going to continue on our journey to who God made us to be, we have to refuse to let our mistakes make us afraid to keep going. What if Atri (kitty in the picture) never climbed again because she took a tumble one time?  What if you'd thought that way when you were a year old and trying to walk? If you'd said, "I just dropped right on the seat of my diaper. I guess I wasn't cut out for walking" -- somebody would still be pushing you around in a stroller today. Same thing when you were learning to read, feed yourself, and tie your shoes. Yet as we get older, for some reason we do start letting our minds go there. And we just can't. Otherwise we're stuck and we''re bored and we never get to be our true selves.

So what do we do? We say, "Mistakes? I laugh at them. I try again!" That looks like this:

        *  I really blew that test. My dad'll be disappointed in my grade, but I'm going to ask him for help tonight anyway. (He never really yells for that long anyway)

        *  She's really mad at me for what I said. She'll probalby scream at me when I go talk to her. But I lwant to say I'm sorry and see if we can still be friends.

        *  I bruised my knee big-time when I fell on my skates, but I know what i did wrong. I'm ready to go for it again.

        *  It'll be hard to get Mrs. Whosit to trust me now, but I have to show her -- and ME! -- that I've learned my lesson about cheating.

What mistakes are you going to laugh at today? How are you going to try again?  I'd love to hear if you want to post. Then we can all laugh together! It will be a God-giggle-fest!

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

CLEAN OUT YOUR INNER CLOSET: STEP 2 ON THE JOURNEY

This is Barbara, one of my CFFs. I love her even though one of her favorite things to do in the world is clean out closets. (For her it's right up there with wiping down kitchen counters, which she also likes to do. Go figure.) She loves sorting out the junk that piles up in a closet -- you know, everything from soccer cleats that don't fit you anymore to that pink polka-dotted sweater set that never fit you in the first place, in more ways than one. She's so good at throwing useless stuff away or giving it to somebody that doesn't think it's useless, and then putting what's left back in so that there's room for adding the stuff you really want but didn't have room for because you hadn't cleaned out your closet in, like, six years.

Step Two on our journey with Jesus to get to our true selves is a lot like cleaning out a closet. It's like opening the doors (which takes courage, because you never know what's going to fall out on your head) and taking a deep breath and saying, "OKay, something's got to go." What needs to go, of course, is that stuff about yourself that just doesn't fit you anymore. In your Self Closet, that can be things like:

                *  a sport you don't want to play any more

                *  a style of clothing that's just not you

                * a friendship that involves more fighting than fun

                *  a habit that's hurting you instead of helping you grow

Why do we keep all that stuff? For the same reason we let junk stack up in our closets -- because it's been there for so long we don't even think about getting rid of it. But if we're going to move on along our journey, we can't be dragging all that with us. That's why Step 2 is CLean Out Your Inner Closet. Fling open the doors to yourself and pull out things that just plain don't fit you any more and let them go

            *  Just as you would get rid of a pair of ballet slippers that don't fit you any more, give up ballet altogether if you're only taking it because you liked it back when you were five but you're now dreading the lessons every week

            *  Just as you would pitch that skirt you got two years ago that you can't even button any more because, hello, you've grown, give up wearing anything that doesn't fit your personality and taste, even if it's what everyone says you have to wear in order to be cool

            *  Just as you would dump a box of keepsakes from that summer at camp when you were so homesick you thought you were going to die, find a loving way to get out of a friendship that is making you unhappy or leading you to do things that you're uncomfortable with

            * Just as you would trash the box of Valentine candy from last year that you forgot was in there and which is now disgusting, break that habit of going for the junk food when you're lonely or mad or scared.

If it doesn't fit, out it goes.

Sometimes -- maybe even most of the time -- it's hard to see what ought to be snatched out of the closet and put in the nearest garbage bag. Good thing we have God, right? Before you even open the closet doors, have a good talk with Him and ask for help in seeing what should go and what should stay. One of the first answers you'll get is that this isn't going to happpen in one session. If you've ever cleaned out a real closet that hadn't been opened in years, you'll know that it takes a long time.

If that sounds like a complete drag, don't despair! There's good news. Remember how I said my friend Barbara makes room in the closet for new stuff? Yeah, you're getting it. If you clean out your actual closet, you can take your allowance or your babysitting money or, if you're lucky, your mom (!) to the store  and buy some things that really fit you, because now you have room. It's the same with your inner closet. Once you get those activities and ideas and relationships and habits out of there -- the things that don't allow you to be you -- you'll have room to add things that will bring joy to you and other people and make you a more incredible person and let you draw nearer to God.

            *  If you give up gynastics because you've gotten too tall to compete, why not take up basektball, which you're always wanted to play?

            *  If you stop wearing all the trendy stuff that you feel ridiculous in, you can have fun exploring other style options that really express who you are
   
            *  If you quit fighting with your brother over the remote and just let him have the stupid thing, you'll have that time you used to spend watching TV to learn how to make killer pancakes or write your own TV script or practice your free-throws

            *  If you swear off gossiping, you can finally talk to your friends about that anti-bullying campaign you want to start

I've also learned from my friend Barb that closet-cleaning is an on-going job. You get all proud of your sweet self because your closet is in order and then two weeks later you open it and something you stuffed in there yesterday pops off the top shelf and bonks you in the head. But, she says, it's a whole lot easier to pull that one thing out of there than it is to wait six more weeks and have six things to sort through. What happens after a while, she assures me, is that before you try to jam something in your closet that might not belong there, you'll take a minute to say to yourself, "Do I really want to put that in there? I know I'm just going to end up throwing it away anyway." Besides all of that, something might fit great today but will become too small as you continue to grow.

So what I'm thinking is that we each need to take a look at our inner closets today and find one thing that doesn't fit  -- whether it's an activity or a way of thinking or a relationship or a habit -- and ask God to help us let go of it. But don't forget the fun part. Pray and dream about what you might put in its place, once you've made room. If you want to post that, I would love to hear, as always. And by the way, thank you for being so patient last week when I was finishing Crazy Chick, the first of the four IRL novels for middle school readers which will come out next year. Remember Rocky (Oswald Kenneth Luke) who you named in the contest? Yeah, you're going to have a serious crush on him!

Blessings,

Nancy Rue     

PS  Notice puppy Captain sleeping on the hearth in the picture?  I still miss him.                  
                 

I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN MY MINI-WOMEN!

Hello, my loves. I haven't forgotten you -- trust me! I'm just working very, very hard on the first IRL book -- the one in which you named the boy-creature character. Rocky (Oswald Kenneth Luke) is turning out to be a wonderful creature, but he isn't going to get far if I don't keep writing. I will be back to blogging regularly next week. Keep working on trying those new things. You're doing GREAT!

Blessings,

Nancy Rue